JANUARY 14, 1933

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sales Tax Proposed to Boost Employment. Impact: This proposal set off a chain reaction that led to the creation of a time-traveling sales tax department, eventually resulting in an alternate timeline where every time you buy a candy bar, you become a temporary economist.. Fact: Did you know that the last time someone proposed a sales tax as a solution, people just ended up arguing about who'd pay it? Spoiler: It's always you..
• Headline: Mrs. Wilson Joins Inaugural Board. Impact: Mrs. Wilson's appointment caused a ripple effect where women everywhere started showing up to meetings, demanding equal representation at the most mundane events, even book clubs.. Fact: Fun fact: Mrs. Wilson's real achievement was getting people to care about a board that most folks couldn't even find on a map..
• Headline: Princeton Players Endorse New Gridiron Policies. Impact: The players' approval led to a long-lasting tradition of overthinking every rule in sports, which eventually spiraled into the creation of a sport where players wear bubble wrap.. Fact: Who knew that players approving policies would lead to more meetings than actual games? Maybe they should just play chess instead..
• Headline: AMERICAN BISHOPS DENOUNCE MEXICO; Make Public Renewed Protest Against the "Sustained Persecution" of Church. APPEAL TO PUBLIC HERE Urge All Americans to Take an Active Interest In Restoration of Religious Freedom.. Impact: This protest set off a series of events leading to a global movement for religious freedoms, ultimately resulting in a world where every Sunday is a public holiday, and people gather to argue about which brunch is the best.. Fact: Religious freedom protests have historically led to more brunch menus than actual resolutions. Eggs Benedict: the true savior of the faith..
• Headline: 9 Acquitted of Newark Ballot Theft Plot; 80 Election Officials Still Awaiting Trial. Impact: The acquittal led to a bizarre timeline where ballot theft became a popular pastime, inspiring the creation of reality TV shows centered around 'Ballot Bandits.'. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more surprising than the acquittal was that 80 election officials still believed they were going to get their day in court. Spoiler: they didn't..
• Headline: Pope Administers the Oath To New Vatican City Regime. Impact: The new regime's oath led to a power shift that accidentally initiated an international 'Who Will Be the Next Pope?' betting pool, changing the way papal elections were viewed forever.. Fact: Did you know that the last time a Pope took an oath, they ended up with a pet cat that became more popular than the Vatican itself? True story!.
• Headline: mm .BETHELL DP AT AGE OF 73; Former President of the New I York Telephone Co. and Vice President of A. T. & T. o FAMOUS AS Ati ORGANIZER | Democratized the Phone in This 1 CityuGreatly Increased the Number of Subscribers.. Impact: Bethell's innovations led to a timeline where everyone had a personal phone, which ultimately resulted in the invention of social media, where people now argue about how to properly use emojis.. Fact: Bethell was so good at democratizing the phone that he ended up with more subscribers than actual friends. Classic!.
• Headline: WOOD AND RUNYAN TIE FOR GOLF LEAD; Total 217 for Three Rounds to Set Pace in $7,500 Agua Caliente Open. DIEGEL, PERELLI AT 218 Mangrum Falters After Two Days in Front, Taking 80 for Aggregate of 221.. Impact: The tie for the lead led to an obsession with golf ties, which somehow became a fashion statement for a decade. Who knew that bad fashion choices could be so lucrative?. Fact: Fun fact: Tying in golf is like tying in life—no one really wins, but everyone pretends it’s all good until the next round..
• Headline: HEADS COLLEGE GROUP.; Dr. E. D. Soper of Ohio Wesleyan Elected to Succeed Dr. Maurer. Impact: Soper's election sparked a chain reaction that led to the creation of countless college committees, which eventually became a black hole for actual productivity.. Fact: Did you know that college groups are basically just adult daycare centers? Lots of meetings, minimal outcomes, and plenty of snacks!.