DECEMBER 30, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Two Educators Receive Fellowships. Impact: The awarding of two fellowships set off a chain reaction where every future educator felt pressured to pursue a fellowship, leading to an explosion of coffee-fueled late-night study sessions and an eventual global shortage of caffeine. Fact: Fellowships: because who doesn’t want to add another line to their resume that nobody reads?.
• Headline: Casino Wins Case Against Prohibition Laws. Impact: This dry-law debacle ignited the secret underground cocktail culture, eventually leading to the invention of the speakeasy and the hipster obsession with craft cocktails – all because a judge decided to stretch the law like it was a rubber band. Fact: Turns out, discretion is the better part of valor... unless you're in a speakeasy with your own drinks.
• Headline: Wendel Case Fee Controversy Unfolds. Impact: The hefty fee in the Wendel case triggered a series of increasingly absurd lawsuits, culminating in a future where people sue for emotional damage due to bad Wi-Fi connections. Fact: Who knew a will could be so dramatic? Next time, just put 'no legal drama' in your last wishes.
• Headline: 3 DEBUTANTES HONORED.; Parties in Newark for Misses Van Blarcom, Higbie and Lamont.. Impact: The celebration of debutantes created a ripple effect where society began to associate balls with social status, ultimately leading to reality TV shows about wealthy people throwing parties for their children. Fact: Debutantes: because every girl needs a ball to prove she’s worth more than her weight in diamonds.
• Headline: BEACH WILL IGNORES WISHES OF HER SON; Widow of Connecticut Publisher Fails to Provide for Child of Stanley Yale Beach.. Impact: The widow's disregard for her son’s wishes led to a future where family drama became a reality TV staple, proving that some things never change, especially when it comes to inheritance. Fact: A will is just a fancy way of saying, 'I loved you, but not enough to include you in my estate.'.
• Headline: E. SUAREZ IS NAMED MEXICO'S NEW ENVOY; Puig Casauranc, Whom League Delegate Succeeds in Washing- ton, Becomes Foreign Minister.. Impact: E. Suarez's appointment as Mexico's envoy led to a series of diplomatic blunders that somehow resulted in an avocado shortage decades later, proving that politics and produce are somehow intertwined. Fact: Being an envoy: it's like being a glorified babysitter, but instead of kids, it’s entire countries.
• Headline: RANGER SIX WINS; REGAINS 1ST PLACE; Beats Ottawa, 4 to 2, at Gar- den and Again Sets Pace in the American Group. 12,000 SEE FAST BATTLE Each Team Cages Two Goals in Opening Period, Then New York Tallies Twice in the Second.. Impact: Ranger Six's victory sparked a fervor for hockey that would eventually lead to fans throwing octopuses onto the ice, as a tribute to… well, nobody really knows anymore. Fact: Hockey: the only sport where you can simultaneously cheer for a goal and contemplate the existential dread of pucks flying at your face.
• Headline: LAST PHILADELPHIA TOURS; Philharmonic to Give No More Concerts There After This Year.. Impact: The Philharmonic's decision to stop concerts in Philadelphia led to a citywide search for cultural identity, eventually resulting in the birth of the cheesesteak as a culinary masterpiece. Fact: No more concerts? Guess it’s time to belt out show tunes in the shower instead!.
• Headline: ELEANOR BLANCHARD BRIDE IN GREAT NECK i uuuuu; Australian Girl Married to Hideo Watanabe of Tokyo in a. Church Ceremony.. Impact: Eleanor Blanchard’s marriage sparked a trend of international couples, leading to a future where people marry for Instagram followers instead of love. Love is overrated anyway. Fact: Weddings: where you can spend a fortune to throw a party that no one will remember, except for the awkward dance moves.