DECEMBER 27, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wittmer's Struggle with Mental Health. Impact: If Wittmer hadn't had that breakdown, Princeton might have dominated the college sports scene, leading to a never-ending cycle of overhyped athletes, ridiculous endorsements, and the Kardashians becoming college mascots.. Fact: Did you know that the first sanitarium was actually a place for people to chill out and sip tea? Now they just look like they’ve gone through a time machine of stress..
• Headline: Westchester Celebrates Budget Success. Impact: Westchester's continuous budget victories led to a chain reaction of towns trying to one-up each other, eventually resulting in a nationwide competition for the most boring town budget meetings.. Fact: Did you know that 'doing it again' is the motto of every committee meeting since the dawn of time? Yeah, exciting stuff..
• Headline: Major Moulton's Transfer Announcement. Impact: Moulton’s move to the Philippines initiated a trend of military transfers that ultimately led to a secret society of surgeons who only work in exotic locations. Because, really, who wants to do surgery in a boring hospital?. Fact: Did you know that Lindbergh examined more than just airplanes? He also had a knack for finding the best beaches, which is probably why Moulton got transferred..
• Headline: Lido Club Gunners in Two Events.. Impact: The Lido Club's gunner events inadvertently inspired the founding of competitive water balloon fights across the nation, evolving into a complex sport with obscure rules and overly serious referees.. Fact: Did you know that Lido Club sounds like a fancy spa, but it’s actually just a bunch of people trying to outdo each other with guns? Talk about a twist!.
• Headline: OXYGEN ON EVEREST.. Impact: The introduction of supplemental oxygen on Everest led to an unintentional trend of climbers creating personalized oxygen tanks, ultimately resulting in a market for designer climbing gear that nobody asked for.. Fact: Did you know that the first climbers on Everest didn't have oxygen tanks? They just believed in the power of determination and a good pair of boots—now that’s what I call old-school!.
• Headline: UTILITY EARNINGS.. Impact: The reporting of utility earnings triggered a nationwide obsession with spreadsheets, leading to a surge in the popularity of accounting as a secret alternative to thrill-seeking. Yes, riveting.. Fact: Did you know that the excitement of utility earnings is rivaled only by watching grass grow? Seriously, it can get intense!.