DECEMBER 10, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: McCloskey's Vote Fraud Scandal. Impact: Had McCloskey not been indicted, he might have started a trend of politicians making up their own rules, leading to a world where ‘fake it till you make it’ applies to running a country. Imagine the presidential debates!. Fact: In a shocking twist, it turns out that fraudulent voting might lead to actual voting reforms. Who knew crime could lead to progress?.
• Headline: Realty Groups Oppose Hillside Project. Impact: The uproar over the Hillside housing project could have sent shockwaves through urban planning, causing future architects to consider public opinion over aesthetics. Imagine a world where cities actually listen to their citizens!. Fact: Realty groups are like cats: they will knock over your plans just to watch the chaos ensue. And then they’ll probably demand a tax break for their efforts..
• Headline: CITY SUBWAY FUNDS ARE HELP UP AGAIN; Board of Estimate Puts Off Action on $13,700,000 Asked for the System. McKEE MAY FORCE MOVE Acting Mayor Is Expected to Bring Matter of Financing Before Board on Monday.. Impact: Delays in subway funding could have led to the birth of the ‘New York Walking Tour’ industry. Now, everyone gets to experience the subway’s ‘aroma’ on foot, thanks to bureaucratic incompetence!. Fact: Postponing subway funds is like putting off brushing your teeth: it doesn't help anyone and just makes everything worse. But hey, at least the rats are happy!.
• Headline: CHARTER REVISION PRESSED; City Club Appeals to Governor Roosevelt for Speedy Action.. Impact: The City Club's appeal for charter revision might have set a precedent for civic engagement, leading to a future where citizens actually cared about local government. Shocking, I know!. Fact: Charter revision is like a group project in school: everyone complains about it, but no one actually wants to do the work..
• Headline: MARILYN MILLER TO BE WIFE OF DON ALVARADO; Actress and Film Star Stay in London as Others on Enforced Trip Sail for Home.. Impact: Marilyn Miller’s engagement could have set off a chain reaction of celebrity marriages, leading to a reality show where you can watch stars work out their relationship issues in real-time. Can you say ratings gold?. Fact: Engagements in Hollywood tend to last just as long as it takes to pick out a wedding cake. Good luck to them!.
• Headline: 'TAX' AIDS JEWISH SCHOOLS; Standard Oil to Collect Funds on Sale of Religious Equipment.. Impact: The tax aiding Jewish schools might have inspired other religious groups to seek similar financial support, leading to a future where tax laws are as convoluted as a family tree after a few too many generations.. Fact: Nothing says ‘we care about education’ quite like a tax on religious equipment. Next up: a tax on ‘thinking about school’!.
• Headline: Williams Chest Drive Brings $3,200. Impact: The Williams Chest Drive’s success might have inspired similar drives for all sorts of causes, leading to a world where everyone is constantly asking for spare change for their next ridiculous charity project.. Fact: If you think fundraising drives are tough now, just wait until they start hosting bake sales for every minor inconvenience. You’ll be buying cookies just to get through the week!.