DECEMBER 9, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Widow Settles Will Dispute in 1932. Impact: Mrs. Foreman's 26% victory set a precedent for future estate battles, which led to the rise of reality TV shows based on inheritance disputes. Thanks, Mrs. Foreman, for teaching us that arguing over money is more entertaining than actual talent.. Fact: Fun fact: Estate battles are like family reunions, only with lawyers instead of potato salad..
• Headline: End of Reparations Debate in 1932. Impact: The end of reparations supposedly paved the way for a more stable Europe, but instead, it just sowed the seeds for a different kind of chaos—namely, World War II. Thanks for the clarity, guys!. Fact: Did you know that the Young Plan was named after a guy named Owen Young? Most likely he was just really bad at poker, hence the name 'Young Plan' as in 'young and naive.'.
• Headline: FOR REDISTRICTING CHANGE; O'Connor Resolution Calls for Reenactment of 1911 Provisions.. Impact: Every time districts get redrawn, it’s like a game of political Twister. You never know who will end up with what leg where, but you can bet it’s not going to be pretty—or fair.. Fact: Redistricting: where politicians play chess while the rest of us are still trying to figure out checkers..
• Headline: RETAIL ASSOCIATION OPPOSED TO SALES TAX; Referendum of Dry Goods Group Puts Majority Against Levy, President Reports.. Impact: This opposition to the sales tax set a trend of retailers pretending they care about the little guy while simultaneously raising their prices. Thanks to this, we now have a retail environment where discounts are just a fancy way of saying ‘we’re still going to rip you off, but at least it’ll look nice!’. Fact: Sales tax: the government's way of ensuring that shopping always feels like a game of 'Guess How Much More I'm Spending.'.
• Headline: TO BUILD GARDENS FOR FAIR; Chicago Awards Contract for $90,000 Horticultural Building.. Impact: The construction of this horticultural building presumably led to an explosion of gardening enthusiasm, resulting in a generation of people who think they can grow their own food and then realize they can barely keep a cactus alive.. Fact: Gardening: the only hobby that can make you feel like an utter failure while simultaneously giving you the chance to brag about your 'green thumb' at cocktail parties..
• Headline: MATHIS NEBRASKA CAPTAIN.; Eleven Breaks Precedent by Naming Halfback Honorary 1932 Leader.. Impact: This decision to name a halfback honorary captain likely sparked a series of increasingly ridiculous team leadership titles, leading us to the current era where players are given titles like 'Chief of Operations' for holding the water cooler.. Fact: In sports, halfbacks have the unique ability to avoid responsibility while still looking good on the field..
• Headline: Hospital's Liquor Stock Stolen.. Impact: The theft of the hospital's liquor stock probably led to a spike in DIY home remedies and the rise of questionable medical practices. Who needs a doctor when you can just drink a bottle of whiskey and pretend you’re cured?. Fact: Hospitals and liquor: two places you really shouldn’t mix unless you want to wake up with a tattoo and a new ailment..
• Headline: Penn Elects Wands.. Impact: The election of Wands likely led to an era of magical thinking in politics, where voters believed that just waving a wand could solve all their problems. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.. Fact: In politics, sometimes it feels like all you need is a magic wand and a good smoke and mirrors act to get elected!.
• Headline: City Reorganization Doubted.. Impact: The doubt cast over city reorganization probably led to years of bureaucratic inefficiency, resulting in a local government that functions like a sloth on tranquilizers.. Fact: City reorganizations are like spring cleaning: they never really happen, and when they do, it just makes a bigger mess..