NOVEMBER 17, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Tragic Collision Claims Two Lives. Impact: Two people perish, but their untimely demise sets off a chain reaction leading to an overzealous push for road safety legislation. Fast forward a century, and we're now arguing over self-driving cars while drinking kale smoothies. Thanks, Arkansas!. Fact: In a tragic twist, the collision sparked a new genre of country music: 'Songs of the Roadkill.'.
• Headline: Garner's Hunting Expedition Success. Impact: Garner's hunting victory inadvertently inspires future generations to glorify hunting as an extreme sport, leading to a reality show where contestants hunt... each other. Spoiler alert: no one survives.. Fact: Did you know that 'Uvalde' is actually Spanish for 'this is where people go to bag overgrown deer'?.
• Headline: Santa Claus's Postoffice Celebration Continues. Impact: The survival of Santa's Post Office leads to an explosion of holiday cheer and a subsequent rise in postal workers' caffeine consumption. By 2025, coffee shops near Santa's workshop become more popular than toy factories.. Fact: Fun fact: Santa's Post Office is actually the busiest post office in the world, followed closely by the one next to your nearest Starbucks..
• Headline: PARLIAMENT ENDS TODAY.; Session Lasted a Year -- King Will Reopen It Tuesday.. Impact: The end of the Parliament session leads to a mass exodus of politicians attempting to find work in the private sector, inadvertently causing the birth of corporate lobbying. Today, we call that 'progress.'. Fact: Parliament ends, only to begin again—much like your cousin's endless saga of bad relationships..
• Headline: WILL HEAR PROTEST ON RAIL JOB DECLINE; Willard Committee to Meet the Brotherhood Representatives Here Today. HOLD AGREEMENT VIOLATED Unions Say 111,000 Men Have Been Laid Off Since 10% Wage Cut -- Managements Blame Crisis.. Impact: The meeting on rail job decline leads to a dramatic decline in train-related injuries, making trains the safest mode of transport—until someone invents the hoverboard, and then all bets are off.. Fact: Did you know that rail unions were actually the original 'brotherhood,' long before we had the internet to connect us all in our collective whining?.
• Headline: Head of Grange Urges War Debt Breathing Spell And Cuts if Powers Buy Our Farmers' Products. Impact: The head of Grange's call for a war debt breathing spell leads to a series of trade agreements that ultimately result in us paying for avocado toast at exorbitant prices. Thanks, farmers!. Fact: Fun fact: The Grange was not just a farming organization but also a secret society of people who really, really loved corn..