NOVEMBER 14, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: President's Telegram and Congressional Concerns. Impact: This indecisiveness led to a chain reaction of political procrastination, eventually resulting in Congress becoming the world's largest procrastination club, where bills are born but rarely raised.. Fact: Did you know that Congress has become so good at delaying decisions that they could probably win a gold medal in the procrastination Olympics?.
• Headline: Misfire Saves Detective from Robber's Gun. Impact: The misfire caused the robber to reconsider his career choices, leading him to take up a less lethal hobby: competitive knitting. Who knew yarn could save lives?. Fact: Gun misfires have been known to save lives, but only in stories where the hero is also the world's worst shot..
• Headline: Missions Criticized in Church Pulpits. Impact: This backlash against the inquiry sparked debates that echoed through the ages, leading to countless church potlucks where everyone pretended to agree but secretly plotted to bring their own dish next time.. Fact: Missionaries have faced criticism since the dawn of time, proving that if there's one thing people love more than a good sermon, it's a good argument about the sermon..
• Headline: SLUM CLEARANCE NEEDED.; Bronx Project Might Help While Aiding Building Industry.. Impact: This call for slum clearance inadvertently led to the rise of the hipster movement, where the gentrification of neighborhoods forced people to drink overpriced lattes in what used to be slums.. Fact: Slum clearance is like a bad haircut; it often takes a while to realize how bad it looks afterward..
• Headline: Reynaud Doubts Cancellation After Visit to the United States. Impact: Reynaud's doubts set off a chain of diplomatic misunderstandings that resulted in the world's most awkward handshake moments at every subsequent international summit.. Fact: Doubting something is a great way to ensure it happens, especially in politics. Just ask anyone who's ever tried to negotiate with a toddler..
• Headline: A NEW FEDERAL PRISON.. Impact: The opening of a new federal prison led to an unexpected boom in the prison break movie genre, fueling the dreams of aspiring escape artists for decades to come.. Fact: Prisons are often designed to keep people in, but they also seem to inspire an endless stream of creative escape plans that could rival any heist film..
• Headline: TRANSANDINE TO RESUME.; Argentine-Chilean Railway Sets Nov. 22 for Reopening.. Impact: The reopening of the railway transformed the region into a bustling trade route, inadvertently creating a highly competitive market for souvenir llamas.. Fact: Railroads are the original 'get rich quick' scheme, just ask anyone who’s ever tried to sell train tickets to a rally in the middle of the desert..
• Headline: Congratulates Roosevelt.. Impact: Hsieh Chieh-hsi's congratulatory message inadvertently set off a series of diplomatic friendships, leading to a global love fest that lasted until someone mentioned trade tariffs.. Fact: Congratulations in politics are often the equivalent of saying 'good job' for simply showing up. Bravo!.
• Headline: TRIBUTE TO LATE E.K. HALL.; He Is Eulogized at Memorial Service Held in Montclair.. Impact: E.K. Hall's tribute sparked a renewed appreciation for the contributions of lesser-known figures, eventually leading to a series of awkward family reunions where everyone pretended to know who the guest of honor was.. Fact: Memorial services are the only place where you can feel both sad and relieved that you don't have to deal with the deceased's holiday shopping list anymore..