OCTOBER 28, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Miss Stockwell Engagement Announcement. Impact: If Miss Stockwell hadn't gotten engaged, perhaps someone would have invented a new flavor of ice cream instead, leading to an unexplainable but delightful obsession with peanut butter pickle sundaes in the 1950s.. Fact: Engagement rings are just a clever way to remind someone that they should probably start planning a wedding instead of watching cat videos..
• Headline: Capt. Devotie Honored with Colombian Medal. Impact: Receiving a medal might have inspired Capt. Devotie to start a trend of military personnel collecting honorary trinkets, leading to an entire subculture of medal enthusiasts who meet every Tuesday to compare collections and drink tea.. Fact: The Order of Boyaca is Colombia's equivalent of a 'Best Dressed' award, but for bravery. Who knew that valor could be so fashionable?.
• Headline: Farm Union Head for Roosevelt.. Impact: The Farm Union's endorsement of Roosevelt likely led to a massive increase in the sales of tractors, as farmers decided to take their endorsements literally and start farming like there was no tomorrow.. Fact: Roosevelt's charm was so potent that even the cows began to moo in agreement with his policies. Just ask the farmers!.
• Headline: AUTHORS' GUILD ELECTION.; Eleven Members Chosen for Council -- Slow Pay for Work Discussed.. Impact: The Authors' Guild election might have inspired an underground movement of authors writing about the perils of slow pay, ultimately leading to a bestselling series of novels titled 'The Checks in the Mail'.. Fact: Writers discussing payment is like cats discussing the best way to avoid getting a bath—everyone has opinions, but nothing really changes..
• Headline: W.B. DAVIS BEGINS TERM.; Co-Defendant With Leas Enters North Carolina Prison.. Impact: W.B. Davis entering prison could have sparked a sudden interest in prison-themed reality shows, leading to the genre's explosion in the 21st century, complete with celebrity inmates.. Fact: Prison is the only place where you can make new friends while simultaneously losing all your freedom. Talk about a mixed bag..
• Headline: Capital Levy and Debts.. Impact: The discussions about capital levy and debts could have inspired future generations to invent a new type of currency made entirely of Monopoly money, leading to a financial crisis of epic proportions.. Fact: Debate over taxes and levies is like a game of hot potato; no one wants it, but everyone seems to pass it around anyway..