AUGUST 20, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Woodward Wins Vandalia Shooting Competition. Impact: Woodward's shooting victory set off a chain reaction that indirectly led to the invention of the competitive sport of competitive couch sitting. After all, someone had to find a way to avoid actual physical activity.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more impressive than shooting 50 straight is the sheer amount of time spent avoiding actual responsibilities?.
• Headline: Funeral of Rabbi Chain Moshele. Impact: Rabbi Moshele's lineage sparked a secret society of Chassidic historians, who believed they could time travel if they hummed the right tunes. Spoiler: they can't.. Fact: Fun fact: Being of the seventh generation means you need to pay your ancestors' therapy bills for all their unresolved issues!.
• Headline: Mystery of the Lost Man Solved. Impact: The identification of the lost man somehow led to the invention of GPS. Yes, folks, it turns out wandering off was the catalyst for modern navigation.. Fact: Did you know that $2,378 is the exact amount needed to buy an unremarkable meal for two at a trendy restaurant today?.
• Headline: Soviet Will 'Liquidate' All But 20 Churches Under Secret Decree, Vatican City Paper Hears. Impact: The Soviet decree to liquidate churches triggered a global crisis in the '90s where people suddenly discovered they were really into yoga instead of organized religion. Namaste.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more secretive than the Soviet decrees were their attempts to hide the taste of their vodka..
• Headline: MR. HERRICK'S SUBPOENA.; Commissioner Did Not Attempt to Avoid Service.. Impact: Mr. Herrick's subpoena led to a new trend in legal loophole navigation, allowing future generations to become professional subpoena dodgers. Bravo, Herrick!. Fact: Did you know that 'not avoiding service' is just legal jargon for 'I’m too busy to deal with your nonsense right now'?.
• Headline: WITHIN HIS RIGHTS.. Impact: The incident with Curtis and the rights debate spiraled into an entire century of people arguing about the rights of barbers to use flash photography. Who knew haircuts were so controversial?. Fact: Fun fact: The real reason behind barber shops’ popularity is that they're the last place where people still discuss politics without throwing a chair..
• Headline: National Credit Corporation Calls 15% of Notes for Aug. 29. Impact: The National Credit Corporation's call for notes paved the way for a future where everyone would panic about money—oh wait, that’s just every day since the Great Depression.. Fact: Did you know that calling in debt is just a high-stakes game of Monopoly where nobody wins?.
• Headline: Startled Barber Nicks Mayor When Flashlight Is Snapped. Impact: The startled barber's nick on the mayor's ear sparked an intense political movement advocating for safer lighting in barbershops. Because, of course, that was the pressing issue of the day.. Fact: Fun fact: The mayor’s ear later became a tourist attraction for those who wanted to see a close-up of a 'real-life' political mishap..