JUNE 20, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Silver Critiques Political Conventions. Impact: Dr. Silver's words sparked a secret society of political comedians who believed that if they could just make politicians laugh, they'd stop blackguarding each other. Spoiler: it didn't work, but the 'Laughing Politician' meme was born and eventually led to a viral TikTok trend.. Fact: In an alternate timeline, Dr. Silver became a stand-up comedian and opened for the likes of Mark Twain. Too bad he was just a doctor..
• Headline: The Engagement of K G Fuller. Impact: The engagement of K G Fuller created a time loop where every time someone got engaged after, they were doomed to forget the other person's birthday. This led to an increase in cake sales and the eventual rise of the 'Birthday Apology' card industry.. Fact: Engagements have been known to cause spontaneous dancing among friends, leading to the invention of several awkward group selfies..
• Headline: Elise Willis Weds A. R. Kirshon. Impact: Elise Willis's marriage to A. R. Kirshon triggered a cosmic alignment that caused every wedding cake since then to mysteriously taste better than the last, leading to a global sugar rush that briefly united the world in joy before the inevitable sugar crash.. Fact: Marriage is often celebrated with cake, which is ironic considering the number of people who would rather have pizza..
• Headline: Lehtinen, Young Finnish Distance Runner, Shatters Two of Nurmi's World's Records. Impact: Lehtinen's record-breaking performance inspired future athletes to take up extreme sports, leading to the invention of competitive knitting marathons. Yes, it's a thing now, and yes, they wear helmets.. Fact: Nurmi's records were so legendary that even today, his ghost is said to haunt track fields, whispering motivational quotes to unsuspecting runners..
• Headline: DR. STETSON EULOGIZED BY BISHOP CREIGHTON; Late Rector of Trinity Praised for Courage and Conviction, and "Unforgettable" Sermons.. Impact: Dr. Stetson's eulogy was so moving that it inadvertently sparked a global movement for 'Unforgettable Sermons,' resulting in a reality show where preachers compete for the best funeral speech. The winner gets a lifetime supply of hymnals.. Fact: Eulogies are the only speeches where it's socially acceptable to cry and laugh simultaneously—what a time to be alive!.
• Headline: Washington Profile Rock Dedicated. Impact: The dedication of Profile Rock led to a series of questionable rock formations being named after politicians, culminating in a national park filled with 'Giant Ego Rock' and 'Whiny Politician Boulder.'. Fact: Profile Rock is actually a well-known meeting spot for rock enthusiasts who spend more time debating than climbing..
• Headline: O'Shea Says Schools Must Aid Pupils During the Summer. Impact: O'Shea's insistence on summer school resulted in a secret society of students forming a 'Summer Vacation Resistance,' leading to the eventual invention of the modern summer camp. They were armed with sunscreen and marshmallows.. Fact: Summer school is often considered a punishment, but in reality, it's just the universe's way of ensuring teachers get paid during the off-season..
• Headline: A Ridiculous Situation.. Impact: The ridiculous situation surrounding the Republican prohibition plank led to a time-traveling debate club forming in the 1920s, where the participants argue about the merits of prohibition with no actual alcohol to back it up. Spoiler: it was a dry debate.. Fact: Political platforms are like fashion trends; they change every season, and some people still can't get over last year's styles..