MAY 25, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Call for a National Slogan. Impact: The slogan suggested here somehow leads to a world where every mediocre product has a catchy phrase. 'Buy our toothpaste, it’s like a hug for your teeth!' was born, contributing to the rise of advertising over substance.. Fact: Did you know that the slogan industry is now responsible for 85% of all eye-rolls in modern conversations?.
• Headline: Visual History of America's Great Depression. Impact: This book's visual narrative inspires future generations to use memes as a form of political discourse, leading to the rise of social media influencers as the new 'thought leaders.'. Fact: Fun fact: The first meme was actually a photograph of a cat looking confused while reading this book!.
• Headline: Silence on Walker's Income Tax Returns. Impact: This silence inspires a long tradition of politicians dodging questions, reinforcing the idea that a good non-answer is a politician’s best friend.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'no comment' is now officially listed as a synonym for 'I have no idea what I'm doing' in political dictionaries?.
• Headline: HEAT ON COAST GREETS THE JUNIOR LEAGUERS; Delegates to National Parley at Los Angeles Go to Shore Soon After Their Arrival.. Impact: This seemingly innocuous event leads to the coastal beach culture we know today, where meetings are held with sand between toes and sunscreen instead of suits.. Fact: Did you know that the first beach meeting ended with someone getting sand in their sandwich? True story!.
• Headline: Front Page 3 -- No Title. Impact: A nameless headline becomes the precursor to clickbait titles, leading to a future where readers are drawn in by sensationalism and left wondering if they just read about aliens or a new flavor of ice cream.. Fact: Did you know that the most popular headline of all time is 'You Won't Believe What Happened Next!'? It has been viewed by more people than the entire population of the planet!.
• Headline: MISS ARMSTRONG TO WED SCULPTOR; Kew Gardens Girl's Betrothal to Dr. Arpad de Vegh Is An- nounced by Her Parents. SHE IS PASTOR'S DAUGHTER Bridegroom-Elect Is a Graduate of the Academy of Fine Arts of Budapest.. Impact: This marriage sets off a trend of artistic couples, leading to a world where every coffee shop is filled with poets and painters, and you can't order a latte without hearing about someone's existential crisis.. Fact: Did you know that the wedding of Miss Armstrong inspired over 300 terrible wedding-themed Pinterest boards? Congrats, Dr. Sculptor!.
• Headline: Wins Lynch Award at Brown.. Impact: Winning this award leads to an explosion of academic pressure, where students feel compelled to outdo each other in the race for obscure accolades, resulting in future generations of over-caffeinated, sleep-deprived scholars.. Fact: Did you know that the 'Lynch Award' is now just a euphemism for 'We don't know what to do with your major, but congrats anyway!'.
• Headline: INCOME OF 11 ROADS OFF 18% IN APRIL; Reports Show How Their Net Operating Returns Compare With a Year Ago. GAIN BY LEHIGH VALLEY Norfolk & Western's Earnings in Four Months Equal to $2.15 a Share.. Impact: The decline in income from roads leads to the eventual rise of alternative transportation methods, like Uber and electric scooters, which bring chaos and hilarity to urban life.. Fact: Did you know that if roads had remained profitable, we might have never seen the birth of the scooter gang? Thank you, economic decline!.