MAY 8, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Argentina's Amnesty Bill of 1932. Impact: This bill's approval could lead to a wave of political amnesia, where offenders forget they did anything wrong. By the end of the century, politicians might evolve into a species that thinks 'oops' is a valid excuse.. Fact: Amnesty is just a fancy way of saying 'Let's pretend this never happened.' Kind of like your last family vacation..
• Headline: Freight Income Soars on Inland Waterways. Impact: This sudden rise in freight income could lead to the unintended consequence of more people deciding to invest in rivers—resulting in the first-ever 'Waterway Millionaires Club'… who would eventually go bankrupt due to the lack of actual water investments.. Fact: Inland waterways: because who needs roads when you can float your problems away?.
• Headline: New Advertising Standards for Retailers. Impact: Establishing advertising standards may have inadvertently created a time loop where marketers became so ethical that they forgot how to sell anything, leading to a future where the only thing advertised is 'honesty'.. Fact: Standards of advertising are just guidelines for how to lie in a way that's more acceptable. Welcome to the marketing world!.
• Headline: ALONG THE HIGHWAYS OF FINANCE.; Old Standard Oil Units and a New Alignment -- Summer Shut-Downs by Brokers Mooted.. Impact: The realignment of Standard Oil units could spark a series of events that lead to the establishment of the 'Oil Barons' club, where they all sit around discussing how much they love money and despise renewable energy.. Fact: Finance: the art of making money disappear and reappear somewhere else—sort of like magic but sadder..
• Headline: THE CITY'S THREE FOOTLIGHT ERAS; New York's Pageant of the Stage Has Been Marked by Sharply Contrasted Periods Since Colonial Days, Those of Candlelight, Gas and Electricity NEW YORK'S THREE FOOTLIGHT ERAS Candle, Gas and Electric Bulb Have Been the Markers of Sharply Contrasted Periods. Impact: The evolution of lighting in theaters could lead to a renaissance of bad plays, where actors will have to rely on their talent rather than fancy lighting to engage the audience—cue the mass exodus from theaters.. Fact: From candles to electric bulbs: proof that the human obsession with lighting is only rivaled by our love for bad puns..
• Headline: FRUIT LINERS NAMED FOR FAMOUS PLACES; Five New Vessels Were Built for Trade With South and Central America.. Impact: Naming ships after famous places could cause a future where vessels start demanding their own cultural recognition, leading to a maritime rights movement and ultimately, a very awkward UN meeting.. Fact: Ships are like people—give them a good name, and they might just float your way into history!.
• Headline: Hangers-On; LOVE FOR TWO. By Mildred Gilman. 336 pp. New York: Harrison Smith, Inc. $2. Latest Works of Fiction. Impact: The success of this fictional work could lead to a massive literary trend of books about love triangles, resulting in an alternate universe where everyone is in an endless loop of romantic confusion.. Fact: Romantic fiction: because what could be more exciting than reading about other people's bad decisions?.
• Headline: NEW UPPER BERTH EASES TRAVEL WOES; Platform Device for Riders to Dress Standing Up Will End Contortions. FOLDING MATTRESS IS KEY Pullman Company Experiments With Beds Which Can Be Lifted Back to Make More Room.. Impact: The invention of a new upper berth could inadvertently result in a future where people start dressing up in trains, leading to the rise of a new fashion movement called 'Chic Commuter'.. Fact: Travel woes: the only thing worse than getting stuck in traffic is getting stuck in a train compartment while trying to put on pants..
• Headline: WHITEMARSH CHASE CAPTURED BY HUBAR; Bruce's Gelding Takes Harston Plate, Overtaking Come in Homestretch Drive. RUBBLE KILLED IN CRASH Entry in Copper Bowl Event Victim of Accident -- Burton, Rider, Is Badly Stunned.. Impact: The death of a horse in a crash could set off a series of events that lead to stricter regulations in horse racing, eventually resulting in a world where horses have better safety gear than humans.. Fact: Horse racing fatalities remind us that sometimes, the only thing more dangerous than a horse is a human with a betting slip..
• Headline: Germany Can Pay Them, but Will Creditors Be Willing to Accept Them?. Impact: Germany's ability to pay reparations could lead to a timeline where they become the model of financial responsibility, but only after a series of bizarre economic experiments involving lederhosen and pretzel currency.. Fact: Germany can pay reparations if they really want to—it's just that the creditors are the ones playing hard to get..