MAY 4, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Modern Art Museum Relocates to New Building. Impact: The modern art museum's move sparked a series of art movements that eventually led to the creation of 'Pigeon Poop Art', which gained popularity in 2050 when pigeons became the new art critics.. Fact: The new home of the museum is now a hotspot for people pretending to understand modern art while secretly just wanting to look cool..
• Headline: Trust Cuts Preferred Dividend Announcement. Impact: The trust’s decision to cut dividends created such a panic that it led to the invention of a new stock market safety net: 'Cushioning Your Losses 101'.. Fact: Cutting dividends is the financial equivalent of saying, 'I love you, but...'.
• Headline: California Contest Is Sharp.; HEAVY VOTE IS CAST IN CALIFORNIA POLL. Impact: The heavy voting in California established a trend where citizens believed their votes mattered so much that they invented reality TV to distract from the disappointment of democracy.. Fact: Roosevelt and Smith’s primary battle was basically the first episode of 'Survivor: Political Edition'..
• Headline: F. W. HARCOURT.. Impact: Harcourt's funeral was so well-attended that it inspired a trend in the afterlife: people started throwing 'celebration of life' parties instead of boring old funerals.. Fact: Funerals are the only events where you can show up late and still be expected to bring a gift..
• Headline: FURNESS LINER REFLOATED.; Nerisaa Undamaged In Grounding on Island in Halifax Harbor.. Impact: The refloating of the Furness liner sparked a maritime renaissance where ships began to develop personalities and demand better treatment from their captains.. Fact: If only ships could talk, they’d probably complain about their grounding adventures more than we do about Mondays..
• Headline: PRIX DE ROME WON BY A WARD RELATIVE; Robert McKnight, Great-Great Nephew of Noted Sculptor, Earns Recognition. YOUNG PAINTER HONORED James Mahoney, 24, Receives Similar Award for Canvas of 18th Century American Life.. Impact: Robert McKnight winning the Prix de Rome led to a long lineage of artists who believed winning awards was more important than actually creating anything meaningful.. Fact: Apparently, being related to someone famous is the best way to guarantee your name gets mentioned in art history!.
• Headline: CLASS 1 LINES SHOW LOSSES IN FEBRUARY; Net Amount Put at $19,647,355, Against $10,054,622 a Year Before. 164 COMPANIES INCLUDED Month's Income Totals $37,423,969, Compared With $46,670,379 -- Roads Report for March.. Impact: The financial losses reported in Class 1 lines eventually led to the creation of a secret society of accountants who meet to discuss how to hide the numbers better.. Fact: If you think the numbers are bad now, just wait until accountants start using emojis to express their feelings about them..
• Headline: Succeeds Rochester Editor.. Impact: The appointment of C.A.S. Freeman as managing editor resulted in an unprecedented rise in editorial standards, leading to the eventual downfall of clickbait headlines.. Fact: Being a managing editor is like being a parent: you spend all your time trying to make sure the kids don’t embarrass you in public..