MARCH 15, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canton Stands Firm Amidst Crisis. Impact: Canton's refusal to secede led to an unexpected trend of cities thinking they could just ignore national boundaries. The next thing you know, there’s a 'City-State' craze in 2050, and everyone’s trying to secede from their own countries to form new ones based on pizza preferences.. Fact: If Canton had actually seceded, we might have had a Cantonese Empire instead of China. Imagine the diplomatic meetings over dumplings!.
• Headline: Hindenburg Enters Crucial Run-Off Election. Impact: Hindenburg's run-off election not only solidified his power but also inadvertently paved the way for a certain mustachioed guy to rise to power. History teaches us that every time a Hindenburg enters a room, a Hitler gets a little more confident.. Fact: The press warned about fascism, but did anyone listen? Spoiler: No. They were too busy printing pamphlets on how to bake the perfect apple pie..
• Headline: Fritsch Nomination Referred to Senate. Impact: Fritsch's nomination being referred is basically a cosmic game of bureaucratic hot potato. It set the stage for future nominations to be sent back and forth like a tennis match, all while important decisions languished in committee purgatory.. Fact: In government, a 'referral' is just a fancy way of saying, 'Let’s pretend we’re doing something while really doing nothing.'.
• Headline: EASTMAN A SUICIDE; NOTE TO HIS FRIENDS SAYS 'WORK IS DONE'; Sends Doctor and Nurses From Room at Rochester Home and Then Fires Shot. LONG BROKEN IN HEALTH Only a Moment Before Fatal Act He Was Chatting With His Physician. HAD GIVEN AWAY $75,000,000 Manufacturer Blazed the Trail for Large-Scale Industry and World- Wide Marketing. EASTMAN A SUICIDE; SAID 'WORK IS DONE'. Impact: Eastman’s tragic suicide sparked a wave of charitable giving that ultimately led to the establishment of modern corporate philanthropy. Had he not checked out early, we might still be stuck in an age of miserly industrialists hoarding their cash.. Fact: Eastman was worth $75,000,000, which in today’s terms is equivalent to a small island or a really nice yacht. Guess he couldn’t find a way to spend it all before the end..
• Headline: SWANSON DEFEATS BRITISH ARMS MOVE; Blocks Provision for Seizure of Vessels Being Built by One Nation for Another. THREE OTHERS BACK STAND France, Italy and Japan Join Our Action -- Naval Group Adopts Two Articles. SWANSON DEFEATS BRITISH ARMS MOVE. Impact: Swanson blocking the British arms move marked a pivotal moment in international relations. This event ultimately led to a series of naval treaties that resulted in the world’s most awkward naval standoffs—think of it as ‘The Biggest Loser’, but with ships.. Fact: Blocking arms moves is a classic move in politics—like saying 'no' to a friend who wants to buy you an overpriced drink. You might save money, but you’ll definitely lose some friends..
• Headline: Argentina to Stop Pensions Of Citizens Who Live Abroad. Impact: Argentina's pension cuts for citizens abroad set off a chain reaction of countries realizing they could save money by just cutting off anyone who dared move away. This led to a global trend where living abroad became the ultimate gamble.. Fact: This move is basically the government saying, 'If you want to live your best life abroad, you better be prepared to live without our money!'.
• Headline: MISS MARY HOUGHTON.. Impact: Miss Mary Houghton’s funeral likely sparked a renaissance of community gatherings that reminded everyone how short life is. So, in a way, her passing triggered more birthday parties in the following decades.. Fact: Funerals are basically a family reunion with a much darker theme. Everyone just gets together to argue about who gets grandma's china..
• Headline: ASSAILS WOLVERTON SHIFT.; Shields Tells Representative He Betrays Dry Constituents.. Impact: Shields criticizing Wolverton for betraying dry constituents led to the eventual acceptance of liquor laws that are still debated today. Because nothing says 'freedom' like a good ol' fashioned government restriction.. Fact: The irony of dry laws is that they never really stopped anyone from drinking. They just made people more creative about it..
• Headline: ELINOR COLEfflAN ENGAGED TO MARRY; Her Betrothal to Randolph Guggenheimer Announced - by Her Mother. SHE IS A BARNARU JUNIOR Her Fiance, a Nephew of Samuel Untermyer, Is With His Uncle'* Law Firm.. Impact: Elinor Colefflian's engagement announcement might have started a secret trend of engagement announcements being more dramatic than the actual weddings. This eventually led to reality TV shows based solely on proposals.. Fact: Being engaged is basically the adult version of 'I’ll trade you my sandwich for your juice box!' We’ve just traded sandwiches for rings and juice boxes for overpriced venues..
• Headline: MRS. ALBERT H. BRUBAKER.. Impact: Mrs. Albert H. Brubaker's awards probably inspired a surge in participation in local competitions, leading to a generation obsessed with trophies for everything from baking to competitive napping.. Fact: 74 awards in one ceremony? That’s not an achievement; that’s just an elaborate way to avoid giving anyone a real job..