MARCH 5, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dr. Sirovich Addresses Criticism in Congress. Impact: Dr. Sirovich's insistence on being the nice guy leads to an unforeseen surge in Congress' popularity, prompting politicians to adopt a friendly demeanor. This ultimately results in a national obsession with politeness, which culminates in mandatory 'please' and 'thank you' laws by 2025.. Fact: Sirovich's critics probably wished they had learned to speak nicely instead of being dissected. Let’s hope they brought a thesaurus to their next debate..
• Headline: Philadelphia Union Strikes During Performance. Impact: The musicians' strike leads to a nation-wide trend of audience members becoming amateur actors, resulting in a bizarre era where untrained citizens take over theaters, leading to the creation of the 'No Talent Required' theater movement.. Fact: Who knew a walkout could lead to the birth of hundreds of cringe-worthy community theater productions? Bravo, Philadelphia!.
• Headline: THE GOVERNOR'S ACTION.; Manner of Appointing New Sheriff Was a Disappointment.. Impact: The governor's lackluster appointment process becomes a case study in how not to choose leaders, leading to a future where people opt for reality TV stars as their representatives instead. Thanks a lot, Governor!. Fact: Disappointment in leadership decisions has been a staple of politics since the dawn of time. It’s almost like we’re conditioned to expect it!.
• Headline: AUTHORS WIN PLEA ON CHANGES IN PLAY; Ralph Murphy and Lora Baxter Upheld on Complaint Regard- ing "Black Tower." CONTRACT HELD VIOLATED Producer Accused of Substituting New Third Act in Report of Arbitration Board.. Impact: This ruling inspires a wave of literary lawyers, leading to an era where every author has a lawyer on speed dial to protect their artistic visions. Spoiler alert: the lawyers just want a cut.. Fact: Every time a playwright has to lawyer up, a pigeon gets its wings. Just kidding, the pigeons are fine. They have better lawyers..
• Headline: A TAX ON BANK CHECKS.; Easily Collectable, It Would Yield a Vast Sum of Money.. Impact: The tax on checks leads to a massive boom in the use of cash, which in turn leads to an increase in wallet thefts, eventually prompting the invention of the unstealable wallet by 2030. It’s all fun and games until someone loses their cash.. Fact: You know it’s a bad day when your checkbook is suddenly considered a taxable asset. Next, they'll be taxing our thoughts!.
• Headline: Will Rogers and His Wife Find A Son Who Had Forgot to Write. Impact: This touching family reunion sparks a series of 'write home more often' campaigns, resulting in a weird trend where everyone starts sending postcards instead of texts. Nostalgia sells!. Fact: It’s a miracle that Will Rogers’ son forgot to write and not forget to exist. Imagine that awkward family reunion!.
• Headline: Gives France Joan of Arc Memento.. Impact: The gifting of the Joan of Arc memento ignites a Franco-British renaissance of chivalry, leading to a bizarre resurgence of jousting tournaments in backyards across Europe. Who knew medieval sports would make a comeback?. Fact: Joan of Arc never requested a memento; she just wanted to be left alone with her sword. A classic case of gift-giving gone awry..