JANUARY 12, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Britain Banks Merge Forces. Impact: This merger sparked a banking renaissance, leading to the eventual creation of the omnipotent mega-bank that now controls your coffee shop, your car loan, and your vacation fund. Thanks, New Britain!. Fact: The City Natl Bank was known for its charming customer service, which was basically just a front for borrowing your soul..
• Headline: Gov. Emmerson Announces No Reelection Bid. Impact: Emmerson's decision not to run again paved the way for a new political figure who would end up being a footnote in history... or maybe just a really bad sitcom.. Fact: By not running, Emmerson probably saved himself from an awkward campaign slogan like 'Emmerson: Not Quite Good Enough.'.
• Headline: Chinese and Japanese Approve Nominees for League's Study. Impact: The acceptance of nominees led to the League of Nations becoming a social club where countries would argue over tea and biscuits instead of actual diplomacy, paving the way for future global gatherings where nobody really agrees.. Fact: Briand had a knack for turning bureaucratic meetings into social events, much to the chagrin of everyone who just wanted to get things done..
• Headline: Machine Guns on Taxis Break Chilean Strike; Troops on Patrol to Prevent Red Outbreaks. Impact: When machine guns on taxis became a thing, it initiated a global trend of weaponized public transport that we still see echoes of today in those crazy action movies.. Fact: The taxi drivers were just trying to get to work, but hey, nothing says 'customer service' like a machine gun!.
• Headline: ALBION BANK IS CLOSED.; Citizens National Had Deposits of $4,000,000 at Last Statement.. Impact: Albion Bank's closure sparked a mass panic that led to the creation of the phrase 'too big to fail,' which became a comforting lie for future generations of investors.. Fact: With $4,000,000 in deposits, Albion Bank was basically just a really fancy piggy bank that got smashed..
• Headline: Say They Want Him Re-elected.. Impact: Hindenburg's emissary meeting with Hitler was like the worst dinner party ever, where two people decide to ruin the lives of millions just to prove a point.. Fact: They say you are who you hang out with, so it’s no wonder Hindenburg’s reputation took a nosedive after this..
• Headline: TRACE DISCOVERIES OF PSYCHOLOGISTS; Seven Educators, in New Book, Report Wide Results of Study of the Mind. SCHOOL WORK IS ALTERED But Science is Still in Its Infancy, Writers Assert, Warning of Pre- tensions of Chariatans.. Impact: This report on psychology led to a wave of self-help books and therapists who would have you believe that your childhood teddy bear is the reason you can't commit to a relationship.. Fact: Psychology was once considered a pseudoscience, much like astrology, but with fewer zodiac signs and more existential crises..
• Headline: United Fight on Mellon Theatre-Tax Plan Is Opened Here by Stage Organizations; OPEN UNITED FIGHT ON STAGE TAX PLAN. Impact: The fight against the stage tax plan ignited a passion for theater that would lead to a slew of dramatic tax evasion stories, all while people pretended to care about the arts.. Fact: You know you’ve made it when you can stage a protest over tax plans, but still afford to pay your actors in exposure..