JANUARY 4, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Army Man's Suicide Uncovers Racial Identity. Impact: The revelation of Lieut. W.J. French's race caused a ripple effect through military history, leading to an underground movement where soldiers began adopting secret identities to avoid scrutiny. This eventually inspired the plot of a popular spy movie where a soldier pretends to be a llama to infiltrate a llama-dancing competition.. Fact: You know, in a world where you could just be yourself, this guy thought pretending to be white was the key to leading troops. Spoiler alert: It wasn't..
• Headline: Engen's Historic Ski Leap Triumph. Impact: Engen's impressive leap of 234 feet inspired a series of increasingly ridiculous extreme sports, including competitive couch-jumping and extreme napping, which would be the true legacy of the 1930s.. Fact: Jumping 234 feet? Great! But can he jump to conclusions? That's the real talent we need..
• Headline: Scientists in London Claim Isolation of Pure Vitamin D. Impact: The isolation of pure Vitamin D led to a global health craze that made sunbathing a competitive event, resulting in the first-ever Sun Olympics in 1945, where participants were judged on their tan lines and sunscreen application.. Fact: They isolated Vitamin D? Pfft, I could have just used a sunbed and a good book. But hey, science!.
• Headline: ALL-AMERICA TEAM PICKED BY FERRIS; A.A.U. Official Names Honor Group In Track and Field for 1931 Campaign. BEARD GETS TWO PLACES Hurdler Is Only Athlete Gaining More Than One Post -- College and School Squads Selected.. Impact: The selection of the All-America team for track and field set off a chain reaction of 'who's the fastest' competitions, eventually culminating in the creation of reality TV shows like 'Fastest Human vs. Couch Potato' where the stakes are... well, nothing.. Fact: Congratulations to the athletes! But let's be honest, the real winners are the snack companies benefiting from all this running..
• Headline: MAROONS RECALL WALSH.; Take New Haven Goalie to Replace Smith, Injured.. Impact: The Maroons recalling Walsh from the New Haven team created a butterfly effect leading to the infamous 'goalie swap' trend, where teams started trading goalies like Pokémon cards, changing the face of sports forever.. Fact: In sports, it’s all about who you know. Or in this case, who can be bribed with pizza..
• Headline: Balsam Triumphs at Roslyn.. Impact: Balsam's triumph at Roslyn inspired a bizarre cult of engineering enthusiasts who worshipped the idea of triumphing over mundane tasks, leading to an annual 'Victory Over Ordinary' festival where people celebrate fixing their leaky faucets.. Fact: I guess if you can triumph at Roslyn, you can triumph anywhere. Even over your laundry pile..
• Headline: Belgium Gives Britons Order For 60 High-Flying War Planes. Impact: Belgium ordering 60 high-flying war planes led to a competitive arms race, which saw nations start ordering planes in bulk, eventually setting off a global 'Airline Wars' that resulted in the creation of the low-cost airline industry. Thanks, Belgium!. Fact: Sixty planes? I can barely manage to order a pizza for delivery!.
• Headline: HEALTH OF NATION AT PEAK LAST YEAR; Surgeon General Gumming Tells the President We Prospered in Our Most Important Wealth. MORTALITY RATE FELL OFF This Gain Was Made Despite the Economic Conditions, He Says In Praising Medical Aid Offered. Special to The New York Times.. Impact: Surgeon General Cumming's report on the nation's health sparked a nationwide fitness craze that eventually led to the creation of 'Cumming's Law'—the more you exercise, the more you can eat cake guilt-free. The law remains unchallenged to this day.. Fact: Mortality rates fell? Shocking! I thought we were all just here to binge-watch reality TV until the end of time..
• Headline: HAYDEN CARRUTH, AUTHOR, IS DEAD; Succumbs to Heart Disease at Briarcliff Manor Residence -- Noted as Humorist. BEGAN IN NEWSPAPER WORK Had Been an Editor of Harper's Magazine -- Since 1915 Wrote Humor for Woman's Home Companion.. Impact: The death of humorist Hayden Carruth created a gap in the humor scene, leading to a dark age of comedy where people started to take everything way too seriously—until a few brave souls decided to resurrect laughter with puns and dad jokes.. Fact: A humorist passes away, and the world collectively sighs. What are we supposed to do now, laugh at our own misery?.