JANUARY 2, 1932

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jarecki's International Music Debut. Impact: As Jarecki conducts his work in Warsaw, a butterfly flaps its wings, and suddenly, every musician in the world is inspired to start conducting their own music. This leads to a global surge of egos, resulting in orchestras everywhere being unable to agree on who the real star is. Spoiler: It's always the conductor.. Fact: Did you know that conducting your own music is basically just an expensive way to argue with yourself?.
• Headline: Chaliapin's Operetta Proposal to Coward. Impact: Chaliapin's request sets off a chain reaction where Coward becomes the go-to composer for every dramatic and ridiculous operetta. The world ends up with a bizarre blend of melodrama and humor that somehow leads to the birth of modern musical theater. Thanks a lot, Chaliapin.. Fact: Fun fact: Chaliapin was really just trying to distract everyone from his karaoke skills..
• Headline: Completion of Carolina Scenic Highway. Impact: The completion of this highway leads to a massive increase in road trips, which eventually inspires the invention of the selfie stick. This, in turn, leads to the downfall of civilization as we know it, one poorly framed family photo at a time.. Fact: Did you know that scenic highways are just nature's way of saying, 'Look at me! I'm prettier than your vacation spot!'?.
• Headline: CHARGE MINE CHIEF INCITED KILLINGS; State Witnesses Say Hightower Made Incendiary Speeches at Union Meetings. TELL OF FUND FOR GUNS In the Meantime, Strike Starts In Kentucky Fields, but Few Workings Shut Down.. Impact: Hightower's incendiary speeches set off a series of labor movements across the country, leading to workers finally standing up for their rights. This spirals into a new era of labor laws, which ironically results in more people complaining about their 9-to-5 jobs 70 years later. Thanks, Hightower!. Fact: Respectfully, it’s intriguing to note that one man’s speeches can rattle an entire system, while one tweet can rattle the entire world..
• Headline: OUR EXPERTS ACCEPT BUDGETARY ARMS CUT; Delegates to Geneva Probably Will Compromise With Direct Reduction. BAR SMALLER BATTLESHIPS Suggestions to Stimson Ask Continued Opposition to European Proposal. OUR ARMS EXPERTS FAVOR COMPROMISE. Impact: This compromise leads to a series of half-hearted disarmament agreements that ultimately result in the 'Cold War Cold Feet' era, where nations have time to invest in really bad reality TV instead of actual diplomacy. Who knew budget cuts could be so entertaining?. Fact: Did you know that 'compromise' is just a fancy word for 'let's agree to disagree but still spend a ton of taxpayer money'?.
• Headline: Hecht, Penn Star, Keeps Junior Net Title By Vanquishing Donovan in Straight Sets. Impact: Hecht's victory sparks a tennis craze among youth, which inadvertently leads to the rise of hipster tennis—complete with artisanal rackets and overpriced organic tennis balls. Who knew a game could be so trendy?. Fact: Did you know that winning junior titles is just a warm-up for the real challenge: finding a sponsor who will pay for your avocado toast?.
• Headline: 24,825 APARTMENTS PROJECTED IN YEAR; Number of Plans Filed in the City in 1931 Compares With 27,373 a Year Earlier. RECORD IS HELD GRATIFYING All Boroughs Except Manhattan Showed Gains -- Cost Put at $102,042,284, Against $128,922,000.. Impact: The sudden influx of apartment projections leads to an unprecedented real estate boom where everyone thinks they can become a landlord. This eventually results in a nationwide obsession with property flipping, which somehow makes reality TV stars out of people who have never even flipped a pancake.. Fact: Fun fact: 24,825 is also the number of times people have regretted their decision to become landlords..
• Headline: Will Rogers Could Not Find Any Chop Suey in China. Impact: Rogers' culinary misadventure leads to a worldwide fascination with Chinese cuisine, resulting in the establishment of 'Chop Suey Night' in homes everywhere. This eventually leads to an awkward mix of culinary cultures and one too many fusion restaurants.. Fact: Did you know that if you can't find chop suey in China, you might just be looking in the wrong restaurant—or the wrong country?.