AUGUST 13, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Closure of Portuguese Paper Mill. Impact: The closure of the Portuguese paper mill caused a butterfly effect where all the paper-loving hipsters of the future were born without their precious artisanal paper. They had to resort to digital notes, leading to a boom in screen addiction and a decline in actual communication.. Fact: Did you know that without paper, we would have never had the delightful experience of receiving a bill in the mail? Thank you, Portuguese paper mill, for giving us the gift of anxiety..
• Headline: NEW CRACKS IN A RAPHAEL; $360,000 Altar Piece in British National Museum Badly Damaged.. Impact: The damage to Raphael's altar piece sparked a worldwide movement in art preservation, leading to the creation of a secret society of art protectors. They now meet in basements, plotting how to keep art safe from clumsy museum-goers.. Fact: Did you know that if you stare at a damaged Raphael long enough, you might just see the Madonna wink at you? Or maybe that's just the art world losing its mind..
• Headline: FOWLER, ANDRADE ADVANCE; Beat Holly and Little, 7-9, 6-2, 6-3, In Yonkers Tennis Doubles.. Impact: Fowler and Andrade's victory encouraged a new generation of tennis players to believe they could succeed by just showing up and swinging their rackets. This led to an influx of recreational players who now think they can take on Wimbledon.. Fact: Did you know that tennis doubles is basically just a fancy way of saying two people are going to lose together? It's a team effort in mediocrity!.
• Headline: JOE BUZZARD BRAGS OF 16TH HORSE THEFT; Veteran Who Has Spent a Third of 70 Years in Jail Held in Jersey for Stealing Two. ADMITS HE IS AMONG BEST But Tells Troopers in Awed Tone of Brother Abe, 84, 'the Very Best'-- Ike Isn't Bad, Either, He Says.. Impact: Joe Buzzard's 16th horse theft led to a nationwide increase in security measures for stables. It also sparked the creation of 'Horse Theft Awareness Month', where people put up posters of horses and encourage community watch programs.. Fact: Did you know that if Joe Buzzard spent as much time working as he did stealing horses, he might have been able to buy his own racehorse? Just a thought..
• Headline: EXPECT REDISTRICTING BILL; Albany Observers Say Roosevelt May Ask One in Extra Session.. Impact: Roosevelt's potential redistricting bill sent shockwaves through the political landscape, inspiring a new wave of gerrymandering artists who traded in their paintbrushes for voting district maps.. Fact: Did you know that redistricting is basically political hide-and-seek? Only, instead of hiding, they just move the goalposts and call it democracy..
• Headline: U.S. Girl Fencers Vanquish Hamburg Team, 5 Matches to 4. Impact: The U.S. girl fencers' victory over Hamburg not only boosted women's sports but also started a new trend of fencing-themed fitness classes that resulted in a rise in spandex sales across the country.. Fact: Did you know that fencing is the only sport where you can stab your opponent and still be celebrated as a champion? Talk about a win-win scenario!.
• Headline: PAROLE PLAN ADOPTED.; Mulrooney to Cooperate With State Division in Its Supervision.. Impact: The adoption of the parole plan led to an unexpected rise in reality TV shows based on rehabilitation, with people watching former inmates 'reintegrate' into society and argue over who gets the last slice of pizza.. Fact: Did you know that parole plans are just like reality shows? You get to see all the drama unfold without any of the editing magic!.
• Headline: Pope Names Cardinal Hayes To Oriental Church Group. Impact: Pope Pius XI's nomination of Cardinal Hayes to the Oriental Church Group led to a series of intercontinental theological debates, resulting in a surprising increase in worldwide pizza toppings and the invention of 'Holy Pepperoni'.. Fact: Did you know that being a cardinal is basically like being a celebrity priest? They get to wear fancy clothes and have their names on church bulletins. Sounds like a divine career choice!.