JULY 16, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boston's $150,000 Jewel Heist. Impact: After the theft, jewelers everywhere ramped up their security measures, leading to a boom in the surveillance industry. Little did they know, this would eventually lead to a world where people couldn't even sneeze without being filmed.. Fact: The $150,000 in jewels could buy you a small island. Or, you know, a lot of really bad coffee in New York..
• Headline: Army's Aerial Assault on Mosquitoes. Impact: The mosquito wars led to increased funding for pest control, which eventually spiraled into the multi-billion dollar insect repellent industry. The irony? We still complain about bugs ruining our picnics.. Fact: If only mosquitoes had known they were just a test subject; they might have started a union for better working conditions..
• Headline: HOUSTON IS ELECTED SHRINERS' POTENTATE; G.L. Olendorf Is Chosen Imperial Outer Guard on Sixth Ballot at Cleveland.. Impact: The election of a potentate in the Shriners made them slightly more legitimate, paving the way for future secret societies to take themselves way too seriously. Now we have groups claiming to be 'enlightened' while wearing goofy hats.. Fact: Being a Potentate sounds important, but it's essentially being president of a very niche fan club. Congrats on your honorary title!.
• Headline: 30-Year-Old Mare Offered For Adoption by S.P.C.A.. Impact: Nell, the 30-year-old mare, became a symbol for animal rights activists, ultimately leading to the widespread adoption of older animals. Because nothing says 'I care' like adopting pets that may not have many years left.. Fact: Nell was probably the oldest horse in the room. She could have told stories about the good old days when grass was always greener..
• Headline: DANZIG BANKS ARE DIVIDED.; Polish Institutions Refuse to Close Temporarily With Germans.. Impact: The division of Danzig banks foreshadowed the complex financial tensions in Europe, ultimately leading to a lot of angry paperwork and the invention of financial jargon that nobody understands.. Fact: Financial institutions refusing to cooperate is like watching a couple fight over who gets the last slice of pizza. It just gets messy..
• Headline: TOPICS OF THE TIMES.. Impact: The topics discussed in this segment paved the way for the rise of blogs and opinion pieces that no one asked for. Now everyone thinks their opinions are worthy of print.. Fact: Remember when newspapers were the only way to get news? Now we have entire internet communities arguing over who had the best sandwich..