JUNE 19, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: President's Optimistic Western Tour. Impact: The President's cheerful return led to a nationwide obsession with positive economic reports, resulting in the creation of the 'Optimism Index'—a metric that tracks how many politicians are smiling at any moment. Spoiler: it's usually zero.. Fact: Did you know that political speeches have a 99% chance of being followed by a press release stating 'This was not a political move'? Because, of course, the best way to show you care is to deny any ulterior motive..
• Headline: New Jersey College Graduation Celebrations. Impact: The graduation ceremony sparked a secret society of graduates who believed they could time travel using their diplomas. They still haven't figured it out, but they sure know how to complain about student loans.. Fact: Did you know that in some states, a teaching diploma is also known as 'a ticket to a lifetime of grading papers and hearing 'Can I go to the bathroom?'? Welcome to the joy of education!.
• Headline: Electric Contractors Elect New Leadership. Impact: The election of the new president of the Electrical Contractors Association inadvertently triggered a nationwide trend of electrical puns, resulting in a series of lightbulb-themed jokes that haunt us to this day.. Fact: Did you know that the real reason they hold these elections is to see who can come up with the worst puns? It's shocking how bad they can get..
• Headline: SEES 9 YEARS' DEPRESSION.; Chief of German Statistical Department Talks of Trade Waves.. Impact: Professor Wagemann's warnings about trade waves led to the creation of a very successful surf school in Germany, where students now learn to ride the waves of economic downturns instead of actual waves.. Fact: Did you know that Prof Wagemann often moonlights as a motivational speaker, urging people to 'ride the waves' of life? Surfboards not included..
• Headline: 2,600,000-VOLT X-RAY DRILLS 1-INCH BRASS; World's Most Powerful Tube Is Perfected in Germany for Treatment of Cancer. TO HARNESS THUNDERBOLT Apparatus Is Likely to Produce 16,000,000-Volt Ray, Scientists Are Told in Pasadena. Ray Made Holes in Brass. 2,600,000-VOLT X-RAY DRILLS 1-INCH BRASS America's Biggest Tube Described. Duty of Science is Stressed.. Impact: The development of the world's most powerful X-ray tube led to the invention of the 'Ultimate Truth Machine', which, unfortunately, just revealed that nobody really likes doing laundry.. Fact: Did you know that this X-ray tube was so powerful, it could probably see into your soul? But alas, it still can’t find your missing socks..
• Headline: PATIENTS DENOUNCE HOSPITAL METHODS; Flushing Man Asserts Janitor Came to Bedside in Dr. Gitlin's Hillside Sanitarium. X-RAY BURNS ARE CITED Tubes Broke During Blood Transfusion, Another Complains atHearing for Incorporation.. Impact: The complaints about hospital methods sparked a nationwide investigation into medical practices that eventually led to the invention of 'doctor's notes' that were so vague, they might as well have been written in hieroglyphics.. Fact: Did you know that the janitor at the hospital is now considered the unofficial 'hospital whisperer'? Everyone trusts him more than the doctors!.
• Headline: NAMED CORNELL PROVOST.; Dr. Mann Is Elected to New Post to Help the President.. Impact: Dr. Mann's election as provost led to a series of increasingly bizarre academic titles, including 'Chief of Quantum Disarray' and 'Grand Poobah of Student Happiness'.. Fact: Did you know that 'provost' is just a fancy term for 'the person who gets all the emails about budget cuts'? Yeah, it’s a real party!.
• Headline: FINNISH OFFICIAL FORGER.; Assistant Mayor of Helsingfors Is Sentenced to Four Years.. Impact: The sentencing of the assistant mayor for forgery led to a widespread mistrust of public officials, resulting in the popular catchphrase 'Trust us, we're not like that guy!' which politicians still use to this day.. Fact: Did you know that Helsingfors officials now have a mandatory 'honesty training' course? It's basically just a long session of 'What not to do'..
• Headline: Hammond to Head Jersey Eagles.. Impact: Hammond's election as Worthy State President of the Fraternal Order of Eagles inspired other fraternal organizations to come up with even more ridiculous names, leading to the establishment of the 'Order of the Awkward Platypus'.. Fact: Did you know that being a Worthy State President just means you get to wear a fancy hat and nod approvingly while everyone else does the work? Sounds like a sweet gig!.
• Headline: Miss Skinner, With a Par 4 on 20th Hole, Beats Miss Bennett to Gain Hartford Final. Impact: Miss Skinner's victory in the golf championship led to a bizarre series of golf-themed reality shows where contestants attempt to beat each other with outrageous challenges, like playing blindfolded or using a frying pan.. Fact: Did you know that golf is the only sport where you can yell at a ball and it won't yell back? Honestly, that’s probably the best part about it..