JUNE 1, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Degrees Conferred at New York Law School. Impact: The granting of these 186 law degrees led to a surge in overly confident lawyers who thought they could argue their way out of anything, including arguing with their GPS. This inadvertently caused a spike in road rage incidents that echoed through the decades.. Fact: Law schools have been churning out lawyers since forever, so the next time you get a speeding ticket, remember: it might just be a graduate looking to pay off their student loans..
• Headline: Army Fliers Injured in Forced Landing. Impact: This event spurred the creation of countless 'how not to crash your plane' manuals, which then mysteriously disappeared from circulation as pilots decided that a little practice in crash landings was good for morale.. Fact: Forced landings are just like regular landings, but with a lot more excitement and a bit less planning—kind of like life, really..
• Headline: Dr. R.U. Johnson's Poetry Award Ceremony. Impact: Dr. Johnson's recognition for poetry led to a renaissance of bad poetry being shared at coffee shops decades later, setting the stage for many awkward open mic nights across the nation.. Fact: Poetry Week: when everyone pretends to appreciate verse until the first person pulls out their guitar and ruins the vibe..
• Headline: CITY-WIDE INQUIRY UNDER WAY TODAY; Seabury Will Pick His Staff for Legislative Investigation of Municipal Regime. PRIVATE HEARINGS TO BEGIN Procedure, Fought by Tammany, May. Precipitate LegalTest of Powers This Week. Will Pick Staff Today. Expect Political Capital.. Impact: This inquiry kicked off a chain reaction of political scandals that would inspire countless reality TV shows in the future, proving that drama sells—who knew politics was just the original soap opera?. Fact: Legislative investigations are like bad relationships; everyone knows they're happening, but nobody wants to talk about it until it all blows up..
• Headline: STRESSES DIVINE MYSTERY.; Dr. Judge Says Finite Beings Cannot Hope to Understand God.. Impact: Dr. Judge's insight led to endless debates over the existence of God, prompting future philosophers to spend decades in coffee shops contemplating the universe instead of doing their taxes.. Fact: Philosophical musings on God are like trying to find a Wi-Fi signal in a basement—possible, but often frustrating and confusing..
• Headline: CUBAN RIVERS OVERFLOW.; Camaguey Lowlands and a Village Are Inundated Following Storms.. Impact: These floods not only reshaped the geography of the area but also inspired a generation of artists to capture the beauty and devastation of nature, effectively making 'flood chic' a thing long before it was trendy.. Fact: Flooding often reminds us of the importance of listening to nature... or at least investing in a good pair of waterproof boots..
• Headline: JOIN DRIVE FOR PORT FOR OCEAN AIR MAIL; Suburban Merchants, Commuters and 21 Representatives Back New York's Petition.. Impact: This drive for a port turned New York into the bustling hub of air mail, paving the way for future postal workers to complain about their jobs while sipping overpriced coffee.. Fact: Ocean air mail: because what’s better than waiting for a letter to arrive? Waiting for it to arrive via an oceanic flight, of course!.
• Headline: THE MERRIE DEAN.. Impact: This lecture sparked a new wave of interest in the arts, inspiring countless wannabe philosophers to take up the mantle of 'the Merrie Dean' in their own lives, usually with an accompanying mid-life crisis.. Fact: The Merrie Dean sounds like the title of a whimsical children's book, but in reality, it’s probably just a lecture that left everyone wondering what the point was..
• Headline: SAYS ONLY CHARACTER CAN SAVE CIVILIZATION; Dr. J.M. Moore, in Moravian Baccalaureate, Urges "Speeding Up of Making of Manhood.". Impact: Dr. Moore’s plea ignited a movement that led to the establishment of numerous 'character-building' workshops, which ironically produced a generation of people who could quote self-help books but still couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag.. Fact: Character building is just a fancy way of saying 'Don't be a jerk,' which is surprisingly harder to achieve than it sounds..