MAY 17, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boetzelen to Race at Henley 1931. Impact: Boetzelen's return to Henley set off an international scandal over sculling techniques, leading to the invention of the 'new-age' sculling style that involved interpretative dance. Who knew rowing could be so theatrical?. Fact: Fun fact: Sculling is just a fancy way of saying 'I rowed for hours and got really tired while looking fabulous!'.
• Headline: Boardman Wins Atlantic Coast Golf Championship. Impact: Boardman winning the golf title led to an unexpected rise in golf-themed reality shows, where contestants compete for the title of 'Most Dramatic Golf Swing.' Spoiler: it's all very riveting.. Fact: Did you know that golf was originally played in Scotland as a way to annoy sheep? True story!.
• Headline: TAX STRIKE STOPS CHICAGO POLICE PAY; Other Groups Also Fail to Get Checks as Two-thirds of Citizens Balk at Realty Levy.ONE-MAN TAX HEAD URGEDStrawn Asks Legislators to UnifyMachinery--County TreasurerCalls Bankers. Teachers Also Affected. Revamped Tax Machine Urged. Bond Issue Advocated.. Impact: The tax strike in Chicago was the butterfly that flapped its wings, ultimately leading to a nationwide movement for better pay for public servants. Now, every time you hear the word 'defund,' just remember: it started with a couple of disgruntled cops.. Fact: Did you know that tax strikes often lead to a surge in lemonade stands? Apparently, that's the go-to solution for unfulfilled paychecks!.
• Headline: LA DOUMEGUE QUITS FRENCH TRACK TEAM; Holder of Two World's Records Not to Compete in 1932 Olympic Games.. Impact: La Doumegues's decision to quit the French track team resulted in a series of unfortunate events, including a spike in popularity for competitive couch-sitting. The world was never the same.. Fact: Fun fact: Quitting a sports team often leads to a career in motivational speaking. Just ask anyone who's ever stopped going to the gym!.
• Headline: QUOTA PLAN UP IN LONDON; Canadian Leader Will Ask 'Equitable Distribution' for Wheat Nations. ACREAGE CURB IS UNLIKELY Most of Delegates Think It Is Neither Useful Nor Possible-- Russia Unknown Quantity. IMPORTERS ASK OBSERVERS Conference Opening Tomorrow Confined to Eleven Exporting Countries, Including America. Quotas Seem Inevitable. Importers Want Observers. WHEAT EXPORT CURB IS SOUGHT IN LONDON. Impact: The quota plan in London inadvertently set off a worldwide debate on food distribution, eventually leading to the creation of the popular cooking show 'Wheat Wars.' Viewers still argue over the best way to knead dough.. Fact: Fun fact: Wheat quotas have nothing to do with actual quota systems, but they sure make for great brunch conversations!.
• Headline: MIDTOWN AVENUE CALLED TOO COSTLY; Loring M. Hewen Regards Cost of Metropolitan Thoroughfare as Excessive. NO RELIEF TO CONGESTION Would Curtail, He States, Realty Values and Rentals on Fifth and Other Avenues.. Impact: The complaints about Midtown Avenue's costs led to the invention of the first-ever 'affordable' city plan, which was promptly ignored by everyone, leading to skyrocketing rents. The cycle continues!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing costlier than a midtown avenue is the coffee you buy to stay awake while you complain about it?.
• Headline: A CARIBBEAN REVOLUTION IS SMALL BUT REAL WAR; Rebellion Is No Longer a Comic Opera Affair But a Grim Fight With Much Bloodshed War on a Small Scale. Power of the Individual. First Blow a Test. Types of Rebels.. Impact: The Caribbean revolution was a catalyst for future reality shows about tiny revolts, where contestants compete for the best 'dramatic reenactment of war.' It's a niche market, but someone has to do it.. Fact: Fun fact: Most Caribbean revolutions were fueled by a lack of good rum. Remember, folks, always keep the drinks flowing!.
• Headline: YALE OVERWHELMS HARVARD AT RUGBY; Taylor, Eli Football Star, Sets Pace in Triumph by 19-0 Over the Crimson.. Impact: Yale's overwhelming victory over Harvard in rugby ignited a series of existential crises at Harvard, leading to the creation of the 'Harvard Rugby Scholars' program, which is just a fancy way to say they still lost.. Fact: Did you know that rugby is just a polite way of saying 'let's tackle each other while pretending to be gentlemen?'.