MARCH 8, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gen. Butler's Retirement and Job Relief Efforts. Impact: General Butler's retirement application sparks a nationwide movement where every jobless person decides to apply for retirement too. This leads to a severe labor shortage, and companies start hiring cats and dogs, believing they work harder than humans.. Fact: The relief of jobless individuals in 1931 was so optimistic that it inspired the phrase 'Retirement is the new job'—a mantra still echoed by those who binge-watch Netflix..
• Headline: Cornell Trio Triumphs in Indoor Polo. Impact: The Cornell Trio's polo victory inadvertently inspires a series of ridiculous indoor sports tournaments, culminating in the International Indoor Extreme Potato Sack Race Championship in 2045.. Fact: Indoor polo is the only sport where you can simultaneously look classy while getting knocked off your horse by an overzealous mallet swing..
• Headline: AN OPTIMISTIC VIEW OF REALTY MARKET; W. Burke Harmon Backs His Opinion With Ten Reasons.. Impact: Burke Harmon's optimism about the realty market fuels a speculative bubble that bursts spectacularly, leading to a decade-long trend of people living in cardboard boxes and calling them 'tiny homes.'. Fact: Ten reasons for realty optimism? They probably included 'the sun rises in the east' and 'the grass is green,' because who needs solid data when you can just be hopeful?.
• Headline: RENO FOR BILL TO KEEP ITS DIVORCE BUSINESS; Backs Six Weeks' Residence Plan to Avoid Loss of Cases to Arkansas and Idaho.. Impact: Reno's proposed bill triggers a state-wide competition where neighboring states try to outdo each other with increasingly ridiculous residency requirements, culminating in Idaho's infamous 'Three-Year Residency and a Goat' rule.. Fact: Reno's divorce business has been so popular that it's rumored to be the launching point for reality TV shows featuring dramatic divorces in exotic locations..
• Headline: STUDEBAKER'S NEW FREE-WHEELER. Impact: Studebaker’s new free-wheeler becomes a viral sensation, inspiring a trend of free-wheeling vehicles that eventually leads to the first self-driving car that refuses to stop for traffic lights, causing mayhem.. Fact: The idea of a 'free-wheeler' was originally conceived as a way to avoid traffic jams, but it somehow turned into a metaphor for people who never pay their bills on time..
• Headline: REFEREE APPROVES SALE OF REALTY; Supreme Court Will Pass on Ruling Affecting Winthrop Properties. LARGE EAST SIDE HOLDINGS Report Reveals That Income, Due to Old Buildings, Is Steadily Declining.. Impact: The Supreme Court ruling on realty sales leads to a real estate boom where every old building is suddenly considered 'historic,' causing a surge in hipster cafes served from repurposed warehouses.. Fact: Old buildings are so trendy that they’ve become the new avocado toast of real estate—everyone wants a piece, but nobody wants to pay for the upkeep..
• Headline: BRIAND SEES EUROPE SWINGING TOWARD UNION; Unperturbed by the Political Winds That Blow About the Continent and Encouraged by the Support Given to Him by the British Foreign Minister, He Holds Fast to the Idea of a Strong Federation Calm Under the Outburst. His "Thinking Aloud." Looking to the Future. Hope of Rapid Advance.. Impact: Briand's vision of European unity leads to a series of poorly thought-out federations, culminating in a bizarre coalition of countries governed by a rotating committee of cats, resulting in the most chaotic political landscape in history.. Fact: Briand's idea of a strong federation was so ahead of its time that it inspired countless fictional dystopian novels where cats rule the world—because who wouldn’t want to be governed by a creature that naps 20 hours a day?.
• Headline: N.Y.U. FENCING TEAM BEATS COLGATE, 14-3; Violet Swordsmen Sweep Saber Matches and Take 8 Out of 9 in Foils.. Impact: The NYU fencing team's victory sparks a fencing craze across universities, leading to the first-ever collegiate fencing championships where the real competition is just trying not to stab your opponent’s foot.. Fact: Fencing is the only sport where the term ‘point’ is taken both literally and metaphorically—because nothing says ‘victory’ like a successful jab followed by a pretentious explanation..
• Headline: A New Game Refuge.. Impact: The establishment of the Swanquarter migratory bird refuge leads to a nationwide movement of people trying to create their own 'refuges,' resulting in urban parks being transformed into strange sanctuaries for abandoned garden gnomes.. Fact: The Swanquarter refuge was created because apparently, birds have better vacation spots than most humans, who just end up in overpriced resorts..