MARCH 7, 1931

Full News Archive

• Headline: Extra Police Patrol to Curb Weekend Crime. Impact: If 4,000 extra police hadn’t been deployed that night, the ensuing chaos could have led to the founding of a new superhero team called 'The Vigilante Vigilantes', whose members would all wear capes made from police uniforms. Crime would have skyrocketed, giving rise to a dystopian future where crime was the new normal. Thanks, Mulrooney!. Fact: Did you know that the average police officer walks approximately 3-4 miles in a shift? So, 4,000 officers patrolling all night means they collectively walked the equivalent of a small country. Guess they really needed that cardio!.
• Headline: Young Lawyer Wins Historic Labor Case. Impact: This young lawyer's victory could have paved the way for a reality TV series titled 'Lawyer Wars: Bay State Edition', where wannabe lawyers compete in ridiculous legal challenges. Spoiler: It ends with everyone just arguing about who gets the last donut.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Portia' is a reference to Shakespeare's clever female lawyer in 'The Merchant of Venice'. Looks like this modern-day Portia took a page out of the Bard's book—minus the cross-dressing, of course!.
• Headline: RUTH NICHOLS SOARS SIX MILES ABOVE CITY, SETTING NEW RECORD; SETS NEW ALTITUDE RECORD FOR WOMEN.. Impact: Ruth Nichols’ altitude record could have inspired a new generation of women to take to the skies, leading to a future where all air travel is conducted by women in stylish aviator hats. The fashion world would never be the same again.. Fact: Did you know that six miles is about the same height that commercial airplanes fly? So, in a sense, Ruth was just one-upping the airlines before they even existed. What a trendsetter!.
• Headline: RASKOB'S WET PLAN BITTERLY ATTACKED BY DRY DEMOCRATS; They Insist That South Will Not Consent to a Platform Making Prohibition an Issue. NOT CRITICIZING CHAIRMAN Robinson and Sheppard Assert However, That Economic Situation Is Vitat Question.TRUST LAW IDEAS OPPOSED These Views of Committee HeadAre "Standpat Republican,"Senator Caraway Asserts. Next Meeting May Clear Atmosphere Sheppard Appeals Against Raskob. Caraway Attacks Raskob Ideas. Changed His Mind as to Demand. Issue Seems Present to stay. Baker's Qualifications Praised. Anti-Trust Proposals Criticized. Minimizes Effect of Wet Plan. Says Convention Cannot Be Bound. W.C.T.U. LEADER AROUSED. Says Home Rule Plan Is "Home Destruction Plan.". Impact: The details of the funeral plans could have inadvertently sparked a trend in elaborate send-offs, where the deceased are celebrated with themed parties. Imagine a disco-themed funeral! Everyone would have to wear bell-bottoms to pay their respects.. Fact: Did you know that funeral planning can be one of the most stressful events for families? Maybe that’s why they started themes—because who wouldn’t want to break out the party hats in the face of mortality?.
• Headline: Notes of Social Activities in Metropolitan District and Elsewhere. Impact: The misleading ad charge could have kickstarted a massive wave of consumer protection laws, leading to a world where every ad had to come with a disclaimer that read, 'Results may vary, and by 'may,' we mean probably not at all.'. Fact: Did you know that misleading ads are as old as advertising itself? So, really, this guy was just following in the footsteps of countless creative marketers throughout history. Bravo!.
• Headline: ACCUSED OF MISLEADING AD; Brooklyn Man Charged With Failure to Give Proper Information.. Impact: Britain's decision to cut army costs may have led to a bizarre future where soldiers are replaced with inflatable army dolls—perfect for low-cost warfare and budget-friendly defense strategies.. Fact: Did you know that military budgets are often more complicated than a game of chess? One wrong move and you could end up investing in inflatable soldiers instead of actual defense!.
• Headline: BRITAIN TO CUT COST OF ARMY $2,850,000; But Air Force Estimates Show Increase of $1,250,000 for the Next Year. LAND STRENGTH DECREASES Drop of 10,000 Below Authorized Figure Reported and Recruits Are Coming in Slowly. Hopes for General Reduction. Recruits Are Few..