DECEMBER 14, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wild-Life Conservation Milestone. Impact: If only we had paid more attention at the time, we could have saved the world's wildlife from becoming a punchline in a nature documentary about extinction. Imagine how many more memes we could have had!. Fact: Did you know that conserving wildlife could have led to fewer 'nature's revenge' movies? Just think of all the CGI animals we could have avoided!.
• Headline: Global Liquor Control Systems Explored. Impact: The Wickersham Board’s attempts at liquor control led to a worldwide conspiracy where every country secretly plotted how to maximize their hangovers. Cheers to poor decisions!. Fact: Prohibition was so popular that it inspired countless speakeasies. It's like the underground rave of the 1920s, but with more flappers and fewer glow sticks..
• Headline: REVIEWS PROGRESS OF ITALIAN TRADE; Embassy Attache Gives Figures to Show His Nation Is Economically Sound. SAYS NO LOAN IS NEEDED Budget Surplus 151,000,000 Lire in Last Fiscal Year--Auto Industry Holds Own. Trend of Lira Exchange. Loans to Other Countries.. Impact: Italy's economic soundness eventually led to the rise of Italian cuisine's dominance. Thanks, economic surplus! Now we all have to face the reality of too many pasta options.. Fact: Did you know that Italy’s budget surplus was the real reason for the invention of pizza? They had too much dough and needed a way to use it!.
• Headline: CHAIN EXPANSION FACES PROBLEMS; Future Success Dependent on Meeting Four Difficulties, Authority Says. PERSONNEL ISSUE TO FORE Higher Type Employe Is Needed --Better Relations With Producers and Community Spirit Urged. Meeting Labor Price Not Enough. Community Participation Profitable.. Impact: The issues faced by chain expansion eventually led to the rise of local markets, where artisanal pickles are sold for $12. Thanks for nothing, corporate chains!. Fact: Surprisingly, the phrase ‘community spirit’ was coined at a chain meeting when they realized nobody wanted to shop there anymore. Oops!.
• Headline: TESTIFIES PAYMENTS TO PERET WERE IN CASH; Manager of Bank Says He Always Took Money to Former French Cabinet Minister.. Impact: The cash payments to a former cabinet minister set off a chain reaction of ‘what’s in the envelope’ jokes, which still echo in the dark corners of political comedy today.. Fact: Cash payments were actually just a really early version of ‘PayPal’—only without the tech savvy or the lack of moral ambiguity..
• Headline: THE LONGER VIEW.. Impact: The longer view of progress led to endless debates about whether we’re actually making any progress or just running in circles like a dog chasing its tail.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'longer view' was invented because people kept getting stuck in traffic? A literal interpretation of progress!.
• Headline: MISSIONARY MUSEUM SHOWS MANY IDOLS; Princeton Seminary Exhibit Is Regarded as Unique in That It is Used for Study Purposes.. Impact: The unique display of idols at a missionary museum could have created a new trend in home decor, but instead, we just stuck with the same old 'inspirational quotes' on our walls.. Fact: Princeton Seminary’s exhibit was so unique that it inspired a short-lived fashion trend: idol-themed clothing. Spoiler: it didn’t catch on..
• Headline: LIFE OF A PACKAGE ON WAY TO BUYER; Getting the Right Articles to the Right Person in a Short Time Involves An Army of Workers The Buyer Must Be Pleased. The Distribution System. The Lighter Articles. Preparing Truck Loads. The Heavier Merchandise.. Impact: The article on package distribution foreshadowed the rise of online shopping. Now we all have packages arriving at our doorsteps like it’s Christmas every day, but with fewer decorations.. Fact: Did you know that the distribution system was so complex it could rival a spy thriller? If only we had a secret agent delivering our packages instead!.
• Headline: Sees New Market for Cottons.. Impact: The newfound market for cottons paved the way for countless fashion disasters. Thanks to low-cost cotton, we now have an overabundance of questionable summer attire.. Fact: Low-cost cotton is the reason we all own that one shirt we swear we'll wear someday. Spoiler alert: it's still in the back of the closet..