OCTOBER 9, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Indictment in Secret Wine Process Scandal. Impact: This indictment led to a secret society of wine enthusiasts forming, who believed the indictment was a cover-up for an ancient wine recipe that grants immortality. Little did they know, it just made their wine taste like vinegar.. Fact: Did you know that the secret process was just using grape juice? Yep, they were just really bad at reading the labels..
• Headline: Smith Honors Building Workers at Empire State. Impact: This event inspired a nationwide movement for merit buttons, leading to an unnecessary boom in button manufacturing. Now, every job comes with a button, even if you just showed up to work! Congrats on your 'Participation in Breathing!'. Fact: Fun fact: those merit buttons were later discovered to be the leading cause of button-related injuries during the Great Button Wars of 1942..
• Headline: Corporate Earnings Report Released. Impact: This event set off a chain reaction of quarterly reports that led to the invention of coffee break culture. Employees now needed caffeine to digest the endless spreadsheets.. Fact: Did you know that corporate reports used to be written on papyrus? Just kidding, but wouldn’t it be fun if it were true?.
• Headline: Reds Brought 20,000 Weapons, Fish Committee Is Told.. Impact: This revelation led to an absurd underground market for 'Communist fish-scaling knives,' which were ironically sold at flea markets alongside vintage vinyl records.. Fact: Did you know that fish can be quite diplomatic? They often negotiate peace treaties in the depths of the ocean!.
• Headline: German Physicist to Go to Harvard. Impact: This physicist's arrival at Harvard inadvertently initiated a series of wildly unsuccessful experiments that resulted in the invention of the 'Einstein Hair Gel'—a product that claimed to make your hair as wild as your theories.. Fact: Harvard has had more physicists than any other university, which is why they also have the highest number of hair products in the dorms..
• Headline: CURTIS STUMPS IN OHIO.; He Speaks 8 Times on Tour With Fess and McCulloch.. Impact: This relentless stumping led to the 'Ohio Stumping Olympics,' where candidates competed in who could stand on the most boxes without falling over—spoiler alert: no one won.. Fact: In Ohio, 'stumping' is also a term for trying to convince your neighbor that your lawn is better than theirs. It’s a real sport!.
• Headline: TO CAMPAIGN BY PLANE.; Davison and Dunmore Will Tour State for Tuttle.. Impact: This airplane campaign established the unofficial 'Airborne Politics' trend, resulting in politicians holding debates in mid-air—because who doesn’t want their vote to be a little more dizzying?. Fact: Flying politicians tended to get lost more often than their ground-bound counterparts. Apparently, GPS wasn’t a thing yet!.
• Headline: HINTS HOOVER BOARD WILL ACT ON DRY LAW; Wickersham Tells Hope After a Five-Hour Session Dominated by Debate on Prohibition. HE PRESSES FOR ACTION If Dry Law Is Unenforceable, the Commission Should Say So, He Reiterates. Wickersham Starts Discussion. HINTS BOARD WILL REPORT ON DRY LAW Gets Report on Crime's Cost.. Impact: This lengthy session led to the infamous 'Prohibition Debate Drinking Game'—which was ironic, as players had to stay sober to keep up with the arguments.. Fact: Prohibition was so popular that speakeasies began serving mocktails, which were just soda and a lot of disappointment..