AUGUST 27, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Joy Water Expenses Under Scrutiny. Impact: This shocking revelation leads to a nationwide obsession with the term 'joy water,' prompting a bizarre trend of people trying to bottle and sell their own versions, which inevitably leads to a black market for overpriced bottled tap water named 'Happiness Essence.'. Fact: If only the politicians had spent as much time tracking actual expenses as they did on 'joy water,' we might have better roads instead of fancy new drinking fountains..
• Headline: Camzoneri Triumphs Over Hess. Impact: Camzoneri's victory sends shockwaves through the boxing world, inspiring a generation of boxers to adopt Italian names in an attempt to capture some of that magical luck, thus creating an era of absurdly named fighters like 'Tony Spaghetti' and 'Giovanni Lasagna.'. Fact: Fun fact: The real winner that night was the hot dog vendor who made a killing off the hungry crowd..
• Headline: ADOPT HOOVER PLAN ON DROUGHT RELIEF; Bankers and Committee, With President, Fix on General Methods Used in 1927 Floods. FARM BOARD TO MAKE LOANS Details to Be Settled Today--Agriculture Department Says Dullness Offsets Price Rise. Farm Board Will Furnish Cash.. Impact: This drought relief plan inadvertently results in bankers becoming weather gods in their own minds, leading to a series of misguided attempts to control the weather, including a failed experiment with giant fans and cloud seeding that leaves the Midwest temporarily covered in glitter.. Fact: Who knew that the solution to drought was just a little creativity and a lot of misplaced confidence in bankers?.
• Headline: JURISTS OF WORLD URGE PEACE EFFORT; 200 Eminent Foreigners Welcomed by Hoover--Honored atPan American Union Dinner.BRITON DENOUNCES WARSir William Jowett Says BattlesMust Be Replaced by "Wars of Ideas." Good-will Is Stressed. Look to Same Ideals. Delegates Guests at Luncheon.. Impact: The dinner goes down in history as the first event where jurists discussed peace while simultaneously eating the most un-peaceful food: a buffet of beef, leading to an accidental food coma that temporarily halted all global conflicts until the dessert course was served.. Fact: Remember, nothing says 'world peace' like a room full of lawyers discussing ethics over a plate of roast beef..
• Headline: THRONG IN TRIBUTE AT FUNERAL OF AUER; 800 Musicians, Students and Friends of Teacher Crowd Chapel and Street Outside. RUSSIAN RITUAL IS HELD Tutor Eulogized for "Bringing Joy" Into Many Lives--Heifetz and Hofmann Play at Service. Crowd Gathers Early. Flowers Banked About Coffin. Lauds Devotion to Art.. Impact: Auer's passing stirs a worldwide appreciation for music education, leading to a surge in funding for music programs that eventually results in a new generation of musicians who take over the world with their catchy jingles and viral YouTube covers.. Fact: Auer may be gone, but his influence lives on every time you hear a catchy tune stuck in your head!.
• Headline: LACK OF WIND HALTS CUP YACHT TRIALS; All Four Drift Toward Shamrock V, Which Appearsfor a Spin.CHALLENGER MOVES EASILY Sails Without Effort in Faintest ofAirs--Instructions for Cup Races Issued. Shamrock Leaves Mooring. Other Yachts Greet Her. Conditions of Cup Races. Kennelly Guest on Shamrock V.. Impact: The lack of wind leads to an unexpected renaissance of stationary yacht parties, where the rich and bored gather to sip cocktails and discuss the virtues of doing absolutely nothing while pretending to care about sailing.. Fact: Nothing like watching yachts drift aimlessly to really get your adrenaline pumping, right?.