JULY 24, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Criticism of Dr. Butler's Comments on Russia. Impact: Dr. Butler's misleading remarks set off a chain reaction of miscommunication that led to a secret society of historians who vowed to correct the record, eventually resulting in a bizarrely popular podcast series about historical inaccuracies.. Fact: Misleading comments about Russia? Who would have thought? It's almost like historians have been doing that since, oh, I don't know, the dawn of time..
• Headline: Store Under Mulrooney Home Held Up White He Is Asleep. Impact: The hold-up at Mulrooney's home sparked an unusual trend in burglaries where thieves would only target homes where residents were asleep, which culminated in a new genre of sleepy-time heist films starring increasingly tired actors.. Fact: You know it's a slow news day when the biggest headline is about someone sleeping through a burglary. Give that man a medal for bravery!.
• Headline: TO LEASE BIG OIL AREA.; Louisiana Land Interests Plan Southwest Development.. Impact: The leasing of the big oil area in Louisiana led to a never-ending cycle of oil spills and environmental protests that resulted in the rise of eco-friendly yoga studios, which, ironically, only used oil-scented candles.. Fact: Big oil and yoga: the ultimate irony since someone decided 'Namaste' sounds better with a hint of crude..
• Headline: SAY SHONGOOD FALSIFIED.; Two Dealers Testify They Paid More Than Auctioneer Reported.. Impact: The falsification of auction prices caused a massive trust crisis in the auctioneer community that eventually led to the establishment of a new reality TV show, 'Auctioneers Gone Wild,' where they have to sell increasingly ridiculous items.. Fact: When auctioneers start lying about prices, you know the economy is in trouble. Or that someone really wants to sell a used sock for $100..
• Headline: I.R.T. WILL SILENCE ALL ITS TURNSTILES; Transit Board Authorizes Full Use in Subway of Devices Tested at Grand Central. WORK WILL BEGIN SOON Cost Put at $19,100--Commission Sets Aug. 5 for Start of Hearings on Bronx Bus Service. Bronx Bus Hearings Set. Order on One-Man Operation.. Impact: I.R.T.'s decision to silence turnstiles led to a quiet revolution in public transport, where suddenly people began to appreciate the sound of silence, sparking a movement to ban all noise in public spaces, including sneeze-coughing.. Fact: Silencing turnstiles: because who needs to hear the sound of a busy city when you can have absolute silence? Perfect for your next meditation retreat!.
• Headline: WAR COMRADE CAUGHT BY DRY AGENT IN RAID; In Court Captor Says He Aided Alleged Bartender When Latter Was Wounded in France.. Impact: The raid that caught a war comrade ended up exposing a network of illegal speakeasies that were still operating in the 1930s, leading to a resurgence of flapper fashion and jazz music in unexpected places like suburban book clubs.. Fact: Nothing says 'I love my country' like getting caught in a dry raid. Cheers to patriotism!.
• Headline: $75,000 MORPHINE IS SEIZED AT PIER; Drugs Brought by Liner Innoko in Cases Marked 'Tableware' Confiscated at Hoboken. CONSIGNEE AWAITED 4 DAYS Falls to Appear and Agents, Acting on Tip, Open Packages--Arrests Are Predicted Shortly.. Impact: The seizure of $75,000 morphine at the pier triggered a massive crackdown on drug trafficking, which inadvertently led to the rise of a competing underground market for artisanal, locally sourced narcotics that included organic options.. Fact: Did you know that the black market for drugs is basically just hipsters trying to make it sustainable? Talk about a buzzkill!.
• Headline: PROTESTS MOTOR NOISES.; North Shore Asks Ban on Planes and Outboard Motor Boats.. Impact: The protests against motor noises ignited a movement that eventually led to the rise of silent electric boats and planes, causing an unexpected cultural shift where everyone suddenly became obsessed with tranquility—at least until the next noisy neighbor moved in.. Fact: North Shore residents asking for peace and quiet? Sounds like they’ve never been to a country fair in their lives!.