JUNE 5, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kingsford-Smith's Historic Ocean Flight. Impact: Kingsford-Smith's flight could have inspired a generation of reckless aviators who thought they could beat the time record. You know, the kind that would later crash into the nearest tree while attempting a 'shortcut' over the ocean.. Fact: The 35-hour flight time was considered revolutionary! Today, it's just a long layover at an airport with overpriced snacks and no Wi-Fi..
• Headline: New Columbia Chapter for Phi Beta Kappa. Impact: The expansion of Phi Beta Kappa could very well have led to an exponential increase in the number of insufferable dinner parties featuring discussions on the merits of obscure literature and artisanal cheese.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more exclusive than Phi Beta Kappa's membership is their wine selection during meetings..
• Headline: Kanchenjunga Climbers Abandon Attempt; Now Seek to Scale Jonsong, 24,300 Feet High. Impact: By abandoning Kanchenjunga to climb Jonsong, these climbers inadvertently set the stage for future climbers to make equally questionable decisions about their life choices. Who knew mountain climbing could be so... flexible?. Fact: Jonsong is only 24,300 feet high, but with the right gear and a questionable sense of judgment, you could still end up on an episode of 'I Shouldn't Be Alive.'.
• Headline: Erskine Gives C.S. McCain a Degree. Impact: C.S. McBain receiving an honorary degree might have triggered a ripple effect of honorary degrees being handed out like candy, leading to a future where everyone is a 'doctor' of something or other without ever having to suffer through the actual work.. Fact: Honorary degrees are great—it's like getting a participation trophy for life!.
• Headline: $500,000 TO BE SOUGHT FOR NEW HEBREW HOME; Option Taken on New Site for Convalescent Institution in Pelham Bay Area.. Impact: The push for a new Hebrew Home could have indirectly influenced the construction boom in convalescent institutions, leading to a world where every neighborhood boasts a fancy retirement community with spa services and a questionable bingo night.. Fact: They say you can't put a price on comfort, but apparently, $500,000 seems to be a solid starting point!.
• Headline: GET PHARMACY DEGREES.; 99 Students at New Jersey College Addressed by Rutgers Dean.. Impact: The graduation of 99 students is a testament to the power of pharmacy degrees. This could have led to a future where pharmacists become the new rock stars—just think of the adoring fans that would have lined up for a selfie with someone who can count pills!. Fact: Graduating pharmacy students: the only group that can lead a party and then shush everyone when it's time to talk about side effects..
• Headline: Kansas Auditor Is Acquitted.. Impact: The acquittal of the Kansas Auditor could have sparked a series of auditor antihero films, where every accountant with a moral dilemma is celebrated as a misunderstood genius. Hollywood loves a good redemption arc!. Fact: Acquitted or not, the real question remains: how many spreadsheets did they have to go through to clear their name?.
• Headline: Deputies Approve Hague Adherence.. Impact: The French Chamber of Deputies approving adherence to the Hague might have set off a butterfly effect where every politician in Europe suddenly felt the need to sign treaties just to feel important. It’s like a game of international 'keeping up with the Joneses.'. Fact: Adherence to the Hague: because nothing says 'we're serious about peace' like a bunch of politicians shaking hands and then promptly forgetting about it..
• Headline: WILKINS GETS SUBMARINE.; Shipping Board Acts to Charter Craft to Polar Explorer.. Impact: Wilkins getting a submarine could have inspired future generations of explorers to think they could just hop on a submarine and explore all the oceans, leading to a global shortage of subs for actual military use. Thanks, adventure seekers!. Fact: Chartering a submarine sounds cool until you realize it’s just a really expensive way to play hide and seek underwater..