MARCH 24, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Religious Liberty and Soviet Protests. Impact: Dr. Delany's prayer request inadvertently led to the rise of a secret society of prayer warriors who believe they control the weather with their thoughts. Spoiler: they don't.. Fact: Did you know that prayer has been scientifically proven to have about the same effect on the Soviets as sending them a strongly worded email?.
• Headline: New Yorkers Recognized by Academy of Design. Impact: The Academy of Design's decision to honor New Yorkers sparked a massive fashion revolution, leading to the invention of the 'Sartorially Challenged' award for those who still wear socks with sandals.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Academy of Design' is just a fancy way of saying, 'We're really good at making things look pretty.'.
• Headline: The Baltimore Railway Case.. Impact: The Baltimore Railway case inspired future transportation innovations, including the invention of the 'frustratingly slow commuter train'—a modern marvel of annoyance.. Fact: Did you know that railways were originally designed to transport people quickly? Clearly, someone missed that memo..
• Headline: GROUP INSURANCE SHOWS GREAT RISE; Nearly $7,500,000,000 in Risks Now in Force, Superintendent Conway Reports. LIFE POLICY TOTALS GAIN Substantial Cuts In Rates for Automobile Insurance During YearAre Noted. Casualty and Surety Increase. Substantial Rate Reductions.. Impact: The surge in group insurance led to the creation of the 'Insurance Hoarders Club,' where members compete to see who can collect the most insurance policies on absolutely ridiculous items.. Fact: Did you know that insurance is the only thing you can pay for that you hope you never have to use? It's like a safety net for your finances—if you can find the net..
• Headline: WARN SOVIET IT KILLS HOPE OF RECOGNITION; Committee on Religious Rights Asserts War on Religion Is Alienating Sentiment Here. LIBERALIZING POLICY URGED Persecution, "Unprecedented in Modern Times," Violates Red Constitution, Says Report. Find Constitution Nullified. WARN SOVIET IT KILLS HOPE OF RECOGNITION. Impact: The warning to the Soviet government inadvertently led to the establishment of the 'International Anti-Religious Bigotry League,' which meets every Tuesday to discuss how to make the world a little less ridiculous.. Fact: Did you know that anti-religious policies have historically resulted in some of the most creative underground religions? The Soviets really should've seen that coming..
• Headline: British Heir Escapes Charging Elephant; Takes Films Until Others of Party Kill It. Impact: The British heir's close encounter with an elephant led to an unprecedented rise in safari tourism, with the slogan 'Live dangerously—bring your camera!' becoming a worldwide sensation.. Fact: Did you know that elephants are more likely to charge at you if you're holding a camera? Just ask the British heir, who learned this the hard way!.