JANUARY 31, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Record Stock Crisis Speech Circulation. Impact: This speech led to a global stock market panic that resulted in the rise of the world's most unlikely hedge fund managers—cat owners who decided to invest in catnip futures. Who knew feline investment strategies would dominate the 21st century?. Fact: Did you know that 'Simmons's Stock Crisis Speech' was the first time people realized yelling at stocks doesn't actually make them go up?.
• Headline: Mortgage Fraud: Mrs. Kaplin Sentenced. Impact: The fallout from Mrs. Kaplin's crime led to a surge in 'missing lawyer' jokes that have haunted the legal profession for decades. Who knew a mortgage deal could inspire a comedy genre?. Fact: Fun fact: Mrs. Kaplin’s husband was actually just hiding out to avoid hearing about her financial shenanigans..
• Headline: Centenarian Struck by Truck, Walks Away. Impact: This incident sparked a movement for elder independence that led to the creation of the 'No Thanks, I'm Good' bumper sticker, which is now a bestseller among centenarians.. Fact: In a shocking twist, it turns out that 100-year-olds have a higher pain tolerance than most millennials have for their student loans..
• Headline: Diver Found Dead After Three Days in River; Plane Party Arrives Too Late From Montreal. Impact: This tragic event led to major changes in rescue protocols, including the establishment of a 'faster than a plane' diving team that eventually became the inspiration for superhero movies.. Fact: The rescue team took so long, they were given the unofficial title 'The Slowest Avengers'—they're still waiting for their sequel..
• Headline: BROKERS' LOANS UP $4,000,000 IN WEEK; $3,345,000,000 Total Reported by Federal Reserve--Change Held Insignificant. DECLINE FOR CORPORATIONS $5,000,000 Drop for "Others" Offset by Advances by Banks--Rate Unchanged at Long Meeting. Figures for Classes of Lenders. Gold Holdings Up $26,170,000. Loans Since Jan. 4, 1928. Holophane Company, Inc., Reports.. Impact: The indifference to such large sums led to the creation of the world's first invisible bank, where they stored money in a vault that was literally invisible. No one knows where it is, and it's probably doing better than most economies.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'insignificant change' was actually coined during this meeting, just before the coffee ran out..
• Headline: IDENTIFY COUPLE ON ISLAND; Germans Recognize Description of Eccentric Berlin Doctor.. Impact: The eccentric doctor’s survival tactics became the foundation for reality TV shows focusing on survivalists who really should have just stayed at home.. Fact: This couple’s vacation was so off the grid, even their GPS was like, 'Nah, I’m not going there.'.
• Headline: BUILDINGS AND TAXES.; Present Method of Assessment Works Harm to Owners.. Impact: This headline inspired an entire generation of tax evasion schemes involving inflatable houses and cardboard offices. Because if you can’t beat the system, at least make it look ridiculous.. Fact: The only thing more inflated than property taxes is the ego of anyone who tries to explain tax loopholes at a party..
• Headline: PUBLICITY ACCORDED; Being the Broadcasting of Comments on a Questionnaire.. Impact: This event led to the rise of social media influencers who now broadcast their opinions on everything, including how to correctly use a questionnaire. Thanks, 1928, for the start of our current internet mess.. Fact: Questionnaires have been known to cause existential crises since the dawn of the printing press—just ask anyone who's ever taken a BuzzFeed quiz..