JANUARY 15, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: Continental Can's Ownership Surges. Impact: The 565% increase in shareholders led to a bizarre chain reaction where suddenly everyone thought they could be a shareholder. This resulted in a nationwide obsession with cans, leading to the Great Can Collecting Craze of the 1930s. Little did they know, this would lead to a future generation of hipsters who would pay exorbitant prices for vintage cans.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than these share prices was the egos of the shareholders bragging about their investments at cocktail parties?.
• Headline: Conviction for Selling Liquor in West Virginia. Impact: This conviction had a ripple effect that inspired a long line of future bartenders who would eventually start a 'two-drink maximum' policy at every bar in America. This policy, however, led to an underground speakeasy revival that made the 1920s look like child’s play.. Fact: Fun fact: Two drinks for 50 cents was the 1920s equivalent of a two-for-one special, but with a side of prison time..
• Headline: Nicaraguan Canal Survey Completed by Army. Impact: This survey not only set the stage for future canal construction but also ignited a fierce competition among engineers that led to the creation of the 'Most Creative Excuse for Delays' awards, which still exist today in certain engineering circles.. Fact: Did you know that Major Sultan’s real secret weapon was a lifetime supply of coffee? Engineers swear it was more effective than any map..
• Headline: AUSTRALIAN MINERS DRILL.; 2,000 Join "Labor Defense Corps" in New South Wales Dispute.. Impact: The miners' protest laid the groundwork for future labor movements worldwide, leading to an increase in unionized labor and a subsequent rise in coffee shop meetings where people pretend to work while actually discussing their weekend plans.. Fact: Ironically, all this drilling led to a nationwide shortage of donuts in Australia, as miners were too busy defending their rights to enjoy a proper break..
• Headline: TWO TIED FOR LEAD IN SQUASH RACQUETS; Racquet and Tennis Club Wins and Shares Top With University in Class B Play.. Impact: The tie in the squash racquet league ignited an intense rivalry that would later lead to the invention of the 'squash racquet selfie,' a trend that spread like wildfire through social media. Sadly, no one really knew how to play squash.. Fact: Did you know that squash is the only sport where players can claim they’re getting a workout while really just yelling at each other over a little rubber ball?.
• Headline: Judge's Phone Number Like That of Roadhouse; Informed by Wrong Calls, He Gives Pair a Year. Impact: This incident led to an increase in phone number mix-ups, causing judges everywhere to take extra precautions. As a result, we now have a generation of people who think their phone numbers are actually secret codes that unlock the secrets of the universe.. Fact: Fun fact: If you ever feel ignored, just change your phone number to match that of a famous nightclub. It’s amazing how many people will start calling you for a good time..
• Headline: $50,000,000 DRIVE DRY LEAGUE PLAN; Anti-Saloon Directors, at Detroit Meeting, Hear Reporton Education Campaign.REFERENDUM BAR URGED Superintendent McBride PraisesHoover--Biennial ConventionOpens Today.. Impact: The Anti-Saloon League's campaign sparked the Prohibition era, which ironically led to the creation of underground bars and speakeasies. This event can be seen as the catalyst for modern-day craft breweries that charge $10 for a beer that once cost a nickel.. Fact: Did you know that for every 'dry' meeting held, three secret whiskey parties were happening simultaneously? The law of averages is a funny thing..
• Headline: Rockefeller Adds $800,000 To Gifts to Baptist Fund. Impact: Rockefeller’s generous donation not only solidified his status as a charitable giant but also inadvertently led to the creation of the 'Rich Guy Guilt Fund,' where wealthy individuals donate just enough to feel better about themselves while still hoarding the rest.. Fact: Fun fact: Rockefeller once tried to donate a pen that he used to sign his checks, but the Baptist Fund politely declined, citing it wouldn't fit their 'donation guidelines.'.
• Headline: SHIRES REINSTATED HERE.; Boxing Commission Lifts Ban on White Sox First Baseman.. Impact: This reinstatement caused a ripple effect in the sports world, leading to an unprecedented era of athlete drama where every player thought they could just get banned and reinstated as a publicity stunt. Spoiler alert: they were right.. Fact: Did you know that being banned from baseball is basically the sports equivalent of getting a time-out? Except it’s way more public and has significantly higher stakes..
• Headline: SCHACHT GIVES WAY; WILL AID WORLD BANK; Threatened With Law to Curb Him, He Agrees to Reichsbank Subscription to Capital. DISCLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY With Dispute at Hague Settled, Parley Is Expected to Finish Young Plan Task This Week.. Impact: Schacht's compliance created a butterfly effect that would influence global financial policies for decades, inadvertently leading to the rise of financial advisors who charge exorbitant fees to tell you what you could have figured out on your own for free.. Fact: Fun fact: Schacht’s real talent was in dodging responsibility; too bad they didn’t have social media back then to catch all his evasions in real-time..