JANUARY 3, 1930

Full News Archive

• Headline: A New Yorker Ashamed of Broadway. Impact: This New Yorker’s shame sparked a wave of hygiene awareness that eventually led to the invention of scented air fresheners, which now fill our lives with sweet-smelling lies.. Fact: Did you know that the upper Broadway area has seen more soap ads than actual soap usage? It's a modern miracle..
• Headline: Hospital Administration Reform Announced. Impact: The Greeff reform plans initiated a bureaucratic chain reaction that eventually led to the creation of countless committees, none of which ever accomplished anything but endless reports.. Fact: Monthly reports are the adult version of homework. Spoiler alert: no one ever reads them..
• Headline: Celebrating 'Testament of Beauty'. Impact: Edward Davison’s praise for 'Testament of Beauty' prompted poets everywhere to up their game, resulting in an explosion of pretentious poetry slams that still haunt us today.. Fact: Poets often gather in coffee shops to recite their work, which is basically just a fancy way of saying they need caffeine to fuel their existential crises..
• Headline: COALITIONISTS SEEK BOUNTY ON SUGAR; Senate Westerners, Headed by Borah, Plan Fight to Obtain a Two-Cent Impost. FOR HIGHER DUTY IF BEATEN Proposal Is Advanced to Offset the Philippine Imports--Democratic Support Doubtful. Would Accept Lower Rate.. Impact: The bounty on sugar ignited a sugar rush that led to the rise of candy bar companies, which ultimately contributed to the world’s sugar addiction. Thanks, Senate!. Fact: Sugar is so addictive that some people prefer it over actual relationships. At least it won’t ghost you..
• Headline: Cuban Bankers to Confer.. Impact: Cuban bankers meeting foreshadowed the rise of international finance, which now allows millionaires to dodge taxes while sipping piña coladas in paradise.. Fact: Bankers are the only people who can make money while looking like they're doing absolutely nothing. It's a talent..
• Headline: MORE RUBBER THAN EVER.. Impact: The surge in rubber production paved the way for the invention of the modern tire, which is ironically used to drive us to places we never wanted to go.. Fact: Rubber is basically nature’s way of reminding us that even trees can be useful for more than just providing shade..
• Headline: REPUBLICANS OPEN FIRE ON ROOSEVELT; ATTACK 3 BUREAUS; Bitter Onslaught in Both Houses Follows the Governor's Special Prison Message.RIOTS CALLED AVOIDABLEBank Failures Laid to Administration--Executive in Spirited Reply Deplores "Politics."PRISON FUNDS ARE ASKEDGovernor, in Message, Terms theSystem Antiquated and Seeks$1,000,000 for Emergency.. Impact: The Republicans' attack on Roosevelt sparked a political rivalry that led to more complicated debates than ever, ultimately resulting in today's Twitter wars.. Fact: Political debates are just like reality TV, but with less talent and more shouting..
• Headline: Oil Fire on Sea Kills Two in Saratoga's Gig, Burns Four, Scorches Big Plane Carrier's Side. Impact: The oil fire incident served as a grim reminder that while we strive for progress, nature sometimes has other plans, leading to stricter regulations on oil drilling. Thanks for the lesson, Mother Nature.. Fact: Oil spills are like the universe's way of reminding us that we are not as in control as we think we are..
• Headline: 60 SHIPS SAIL TODAY FOR NAVAL EXERCISES; Guantanamo and Canal Zone Are to Be Scenes of the Annual Winter Exercises.. Impact: The naval exercises may have seemed like a display of power, but they actually sparked a global obsession with military parades, leading to the modern-day arms race.. Fact: Naval exercises: because who doesn't love a good parade with explosions?.
• Headline: CAMPBELL IS SUED ON ALCOHOL PERMIT; Action Would Compel Him to Allow Withdrawals to Concerns He Suspects.LEGAL PROOF DEMANDEDHis Admission That He CannotEstablish Guilt of All BarredConcerns Is Basis of Case.. Impact: The lawsuit against Campbell opened the floodgates for legal battles over alcohol permits, resulting in a new industry of lawyers specializing in ‘who can drink what, when’—a true American pastime.. Fact: Alcohol permits are the adult version of asking your parents for permission to have a sleepover. Fun times!.