MARCH 15, 1969

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nixon Reports Progress Toward Summit Talks. Impact: Had Nixon actually made it to the summit, world leaders might have exchanged notes rather than nuclear threats. Instead, the world continued to spiral into chaos, leading to the invention of reality TV as a distraction.. Fact: In an alternate timeline, Nixon became a motivational speaker instead of a president. Imagine the 'I’ll make America great again' pep talks!.
• Headline: Remembering Ben Shahn: Socially Conscious Artist. Impact: Shahn’s death resulted in an art movement that emphasized the importance of social commentary, leading to the rise of Instagram influencers who claim they are 'just like Shahn' while posting selfies.. Fact: Ben Shahn once painted a mural that was so poignant it caused an entire city to rethink its life choices. Too bad it wasn’t on Instagram..
• Headline: Italian Students Ejected By Police In Two Cities. Impact: This event sparked a trend of student protests worldwide, leading to the invention of the phrase, 'You can’t spell 'education' without 'U' and 'protest.'. Fact: The police response was so overblown that it inspired a new Italian cuisine: 'Pasta alla Protesta' – extra spicy with a dash of rebellion..
• Headline: Tax Accountant Sentenced For Not Filing Own Return. Impact: This case set a precedent that led to a tax revolution, where accountants everywhere were suddenly required to pay their taxes, causing a massive increase in the number of career changes to 'beach bungalow consultant.'. Fact: This accountant’s failure to file inspired a new genre of crime dramas, 'The Taxman Cometh,' which had absolutely no suspense whatsoever..
• Headline: PRESIDENT SAYS FOE'S DRIVE BARS TROOP CUT SOON; Also Bars Drastic Response to the Current Offensive -- Stresses Paris Talks NIXON RULES OUT A TROOP CUT SOON. Impact: Nixon’s reluctance to cut troops prolonged the war, which inadvertently led to a rise in coffee consumption—because who doesn’t need caffeine to survive endless political discussions?. Fact: If only Nixon had known that saying 'No cuts' would lead to more debates than a college philosophy class..
• Headline: Nixon Wants Johnson At Treaty Ratification. Impact: Nixon's invitation to Johnson turned into an awkward reunion that historians believe led to the first-ever 'Presidential Karaoke Night,' where they harmonized on 'We Are the World' and nobody could hear them.. Fact: This meeting was so legendary that it inspired a fictional sitcom: 'Nixon & Johnson—The Odd Couple,' featuring more political banter than actual plot..